xaxa@work

An Emotional Recall

2011-12-22T23:29:00.000+08:00

I haven't written in ages. Motivation killed by any who didn't know to appreciate. I re-read my posts and indeed, standards have dropped recently. Okay, they were crappy to begin with, but got crappier.

Somehow, this line and tune kept popping up in my head now.

2007 revisited. adapted from 《我的天使》

"我会珍惜我们彼此的回忆
再借着雨点轻轻说爱你
你曾问我的天使在哪里
我早就该对你说 - 是你"

I missed the time when my only companion was in black and white. No grey areas. Just 88 keys and me.

Women: the smart and not so smart

2011-11-01T00:50:00.001+08:00

I was intrigued by a recent topic that an ideal romance in the modern society was described as an equitable bargaining between men and women where in an ideal match, their fortunes should be equilibrated. As such, in order to attempt to tackle my insatiable curiosity, I began to google around and found a forum which I would least expect to find the topic being discussed. So what did I find exactly that makes it blog-worthy? A debate on the dating game? We heard it many times. What's new? Well at least on a forum that discusses primarily financial news, where courtship is dicussed in terms of "call options" and "unmet arbitrage opportunities," the insights are pretty refreshing.

Well it started with an interview with ten "smart men." The question posed was "Why do men prefer dating the "less intelligent" women?"

One of the "smarter" answers attempted to associate the phenomenon with the "knowledge economy." In terms of financial compensation, "less intelligent" women are less motivated to spend more hours in school or work. Therefore, they are more likely to seek out a smart partner as a means of "economic advancement." To put it bluntly, as I quote the writer, "dumb chicks have both greater opportunities and incentives to try harder to date smart men than smart women do."
Another writer believe that successful men (like him, presumably) date less successful women not because they want "women to be dumb" but rather because they want "someone who prioritizes their life in a way that’s compatible with how you prioritize yours." Later on, he quoted himself as an example. He is currently dating a kindergarten teacher, and since a kindergarten teacher "has a more flexible schedule, she’ll be able accommodate me," as he explained.

However, a female countered by suggesting that smart women (obviously she meant like herself) have the same incentives as less intelligent women to date smart men, she contends: "First, if there is indeed more competition for smarter guys, the career-minded working women (already very competitive in nature) would love a good fight. Second, smart women don't shut their brains off on the weekend. (Shocker: Smart men don't either.)."

The idea that men are interested in less intelligent women was then dismissed. She added that most guys do not know what they really want, until they ran out of topics with the (less intelligent) girl. Or worse, until you lose your job and she still doesn't understand what you do enough to help you through it, as a partner, an equal, much less stand by a poor guy. But that point of view was that of the "smart" female.

Assuming that all women indeed only want to marry smart men, and if smart men "are willing to date outside of their IQ cohort," then it follows that smart men are more open-minded than smart women. Thus, statistically, less intelligent men are at a disadvantage when it comes to marriage as they now have a smaller market share and possibly increased competition from outside their IQ cohort.

Besides, in the "knowledge economy," intelligent people, unlike less intelligent people, hava a "call option" on their relationships in that they can end them to focus on their careers. For years, there's been a popular conception that men are intimidated by intelligent women. This is because, in a rational dating game, smart men may discount smart women because these women have"call options". As a result, this creates an unmet arbitrage opportunity--an over-abundance of intelligent, single women and less intelligent, single men in the "market". And this does not neccessarily meant ideal matches had lower chances of occurence as shown by statistics and possibly with the help of Cupid's arrows.

Therefore, does belonging to the same IQ cohort, which indirectly implies having an equal standing in social status, equilibrated fortunes between two partners be described as an ideal match? Well, on paper, it seems every bit like it, but in reality, as touched on briefly earlier, perhaps inequality will work better, at least statistically.

Additional note:

But as a member of the male community, I also would like to state my personal opinions. Being raised in a community that emphasized on gender inequality with so many laws protecting the female species, if I were to be condemned to be dominated by a female by virtue of the "commandments of a gentleman", I would at least want someone whom I consider equal. I have made no secret of my preference for witty women, though I do not exclusively limit my choices to these women.

There are some concerns that I plucked out of midair when thinking of dating "less intelligent" women (in accordance of severity) but as long as the women doesn't fall into the following category, I believe that status, looks, popularity or intelligence, might be optional:

- the stupid woman who thinks all men in the world are stupid
- the woman who expects all men to be mind-readers and considers those who are unable to comphrehend the illogical logics or the men who always use the same reason to explain her mood swings (e.g. PMS) as stupid

*Yes, even though everyone is entitled to their opinions and I respect it, I can never accept being stupid for the wrong reasons. To make my point clearer, to judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, in my opinion, haha you already guessed it, is plain DUMB.

You are welcome.

Are you a confident man?

2011-10-21T08:54:00.000+08:00

Author's note: hmm, I did not think I'm THIS confident before the quiz, but oh well, since confidence is merely a matter of attitudes and perspective, accurate or not, this is likely induce self-fulfilling prophecies just as what astrology did to most people. The future me will likely try to emulate what's been said of me as follows.

Think of your confidence as like the bank balance of your wellbeing. When you're in the black you can face anything life chucks your way. You respond with a positive attitude and don't worry if things don't go to plan. But when your confidence is in the red your performance suffers across the board. You take things personally, self-belief drops, you stop being a 'do-er' and you’re even at risk of becoming stressed out.

disclaimer: image and results courtesy of MSN (him) quiz

High levels of confidence - (complete confidence)

You've got confidence cracked but make sure it doesn't border on arrogance. It can be a fine line at times.

Make a point of encouraging others so that your confidence spreads to them.
Definitely let less confident colleagues/friends have their say seeing as you probably always express your point of view/opinion.
Keep thriving and being confident at work but be careful it doesn't build into an excessive need for achievement.
Allow yourself some daily down-time where you just chill out and enjoy some relaxation - great for keeping a good balance in your mental attitude.

Little Signs

2011-10-09T00:02:00.001+08:00

Little signs
Grudging hi's
Maybe I shouldn't be online.

Miss me not
Miss you lot
Maybe it's just my fault

Years of regret
Tears to forget
Maybe you undid all in a sec

No more thoughts
No more talk
Maybe I should walk

I Wonder Where I Wander

2011-10-04T13:24:00.001+08:00

Everything seemed like a curse

And I guess I lost my focus

My sight was obviously fixated

On something that got me so frustrated

But for a while I can't remember her face

For my mind wandered to another place

~Chronicles of a Mending Soul

Fighting Shyness

2011-09-24T22:02:00.001+08:00

I hope this does not come as a shock. Even if the whole world disagrees, I am shy and so not proud of it.

Years of practice with stage performance, customer service, public speaking, presentations kept the stage fright syndrome under control. But once I stop doing what I do, it kinda bounces back. The natural tendency is simply to keep quiet or just sit back and listen but this is so not healthy at all.

And I super hate it when I don't have the guts to initiate a meaningful conversation with certain people. I certainly felt the jitters and my mind turned into a whirl that day. Sucks.

安静的前夕 (Silence's Eve)

2011-09-08T00:57:00.000+08:00

词：沙沙
曲：永辉

仰望着蓝天
心情停留在昨夜
拥抱着孤独
忘了你不在身边
出走去散心
身上少了隔音的耳机

掩盖着安静
怀念某人发脾气
音乐若平息
我怕会有点可惜
在我脑海里
你的声音仍然很清晰

我想我没好好珍惜
所以你才离我而去
原谅我自私自利
外加我的牛脾气
就这样倔强紧握着过去

要是我选择挽回你
我想你一定更伤心
让闹钟响个不停
说不定我会清醒
或许就能这样慢慢的撑过去

周末KTV
选了熟悉的歌曲
怎么合唱的人不是你
依然好听的旋律
可是唱的好痛心
原来我怕再也听不到你

repeat chorus*

一个人真的好安静
这感觉我还不熟悉
就算刚刚好心情
再也没人感兴趣
就这样没关系我不要紧。。 woah...

我想我真的好想你
谨守着我们的回忆
虽然有些孩子气
但我不想再见你
或许就能渐渐磨去你的痕迹

音乐停止的前夕
就让心情恢复平静
希望想你的心
也随风而去

哪天哪夜

2011-09-02T01:11:00.000+08:00

一个人埋醉在黑夜中
独自坐在黑暗的角落
就让香烟点燃了寂寞
泥古丁的味道越来越浓
想你的心也越来越疼

多想要弹一首快乐的曲子
但琴间却断了一根弦
多想要向过去一一道别
但真心付出后
要怎么不去依恋

我不曾懂得解脱在黑夜里
渐渐感到默默的心痛
我不曾明白心情如此低落
只是知道想你的时候

你的笑容
依然绽放在冷却的天空里
我在想你
你是否感觉得到我的痛

Today's FFT

2011-08-24T23:59:00.007+08:00

As I progress through the levels of education
My resolve is weakened by years of attrition
I see myself working hard to earn this freedom
And then worked harder to sell it to corporate slavedom
For a greater freedom as they would say
But in truth, a slave for money but that's okay.

~Adapted from "Life's a paradox from 4am till 11.58pm"

I find myself going through a roller-coaster ride in my state of emotions on this fine day. Being unable to finish my work due to brain-drain until 4am this morning, I was finally relieved that I can finally rest. But alas! Sleep eluded me, even through my tiredness. When I finally fell asleep, I was forced to wake up by my alarm clock due to a scheduled interview in early afternoon.

And I found myself rushing over so that I can wait for my turn. So the need to arrange for an interview at a specific timing has somewhat defeated its own purpose in this event. Then, just as the thought "Gosh, finally my turn. Let's quickly get this over and done with," presented itself in my head, a 101 question (the last one being a real design problem) exam was thrown right in front of my eyes.

For a position that I did not show keen interest in, the exam fired me up. First, I was never told that it was an interview, not a theory + practical examination before the interview. Second, other than the in-born stage fright and fear of close contact with strangers, I am pretty sure that I am also "examophobic" and "testophobic". So a previously forecasted 30minute session turned out to be the longest nightmare I had for today.

The first 50 questions was a struggle. My last paper was in May, and being totally unprepared, I took 1 damn hour to realise what's happening. After the 51st question, I finally gained momentum and.. dang.. Question number 101, the design problem. The problem is not a problem as it was straightforward but I actually meant that I have a problem designing the design. In other words, without the software competency, I could not present my solution.

Well it would have been a breeze for me if I could use my own software. But what's worse, I have never used this program before. So it's time to repeatedly press the F1 key and read through all the help guides like a.. yes pun intended.. F1 racer.

Therefore another 2 hours of self-learning and completing the floor plans, I almost thought I had built a house from scratch. Of course the result was amateurish. I was already tired and grumpy when I finally had got my awaited interview session.

Somehow I feel shortchanged. It's like asking a chicken to quack on your first meeting. I don't know if I will have any lingering interest after today. But I conclude that the 5 hours spent for an interview in Macpherson was unproductive and caused me to revisit my "vulgaritionary" today.

What is the sex of a computer?

2011-08-03T19:56:00.003+08:00

Many objects have been termed female, like a car or a boat, but has anyone come up with the sex of a computer? Here are some standpoints to take note of when determining its gender.

The feminine features:

1. No one but he who makes them understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to other human beingsa.

3. The prompt "Bad command or file name" (in MS DOS) is about as informative as, "If you don't already know why I'm mad at you, then you surely won't hear the reason from me."

4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending more on its accessories.

The masculine features:

1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.

3. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night

4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

5. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.

Ode to My Kopi-O (the dark ambition)

2011-07-29T02:55:00.002+08:00

Here comes a sudden downpour

As its splatter comes crashing at the door

Striking a semblence to an ancient lore*

I guess it's time to answer the call

For I can never cease to tell
Of the wonders brought to every cell
For without it life feels like hell
Of all the ailments it seems to quell.

So thus let us proclaim
The miracle title the humble bean claims
Roasted, crushed then dissolved into a sleep-bane**
That used to wash my gullet lane

Gongcha? Koi? Frappe?
Stand but in pale compare
Look! How about Kopi-O over there?
But none in the long queue really care.

"Kopi-O jit puay!"
I was sure that my hokkien was okay
But the lack of response brought much dismay
Or maybe the kopi-kia's*** mind seemed miles away.

"Latte, Mocha or Cappuccino?"
Please, no milk and no cocoa
"Espresso or Americano?"
But I only want my Kopi-O

"Sorry," came the unflinching reply
To my throat already hoarse and dry
With a weakened and hapless cry
Against all odds I choose defy

Footsteps leaden by a heavy heart,
I am turning away from even latte art
To walk the path of the dark
In search of that black trickle down my gut

Long gone is this one whole day!
But it's just like what they say
There's always a price to pay
For my Kopi-O jit puay!

FYI

*lore: the body of knowledge, especially of a traditional, anecdotal, or popular nature, on a particular subject: the lore of herbs.

**bane: a deadly poison (often used in combination, as in the names of poisonous plants): wolfsbane; henbane.

***kopi-kia: someone who makes coffee (usually refers to those at kopitiams). Similar to the barista except that the latter makes angmoh kopi at a 'cafe'.

Kopitiam Kopi

kopi-o -- black coffee
kopi -- coffee with milk
kopi-siew-dai -- less sugar
kopi-gao -- thick coffee
kopi-si -- coffee with evaporated milk
kopi-sua -- two cups of coffee

Angmoh Kopi

Americano - espresso made to a full cup
Cafe au lait - similar to latte but using brewed coffee instead of espresso
Cappucino - espresso with steamed milk and frothed milk
Espresso con Panna - espresso with whipped cream
Frappucino - Ice-blended coffees
Latte - espresso with steamed milk
Mocha - latte with cocoa

The Promise (It's just a maybe)

2011-07-06T18:35:00.010+08:00

The best promise I can never make
Or the worst that you could ever break.
Are they deliberate lies tied up in a pretty ribbon
Or careless gibberish after rounds of Bourbon?

I've been thinking back lately
It isn't that I've changed my mind already
It's just that that perhaps, maybe
Or to a certain extent of probably

When someone can't get off my head,
After all the years we never had
When nothing's left lingering in the air
Maybe she was supposed to be there

What Does it Take to be Happy: How Does Pain Come Into The Picture?

2011-06-21T00:12:00.008+08:00

Happiness can be defined, in part at least, as the fruit of the desire and ability to sacrifice what we want now for what we want eventually.

~ Stephen Covey

Wikipedia defines pain as "an unpleasant sensory and emotional experience often associated with actual or potential tissue damage." Some classifications included were nociceptive, neuropathic, psychogenic, phantom, pain asymbolia. The full definition will not be pursued further in this chapter.

It is understood that the fear of pain (or the sensation itself) often motivates us to withdraw from potentially damaging situations and we learn to avoid such scenarios in future. However, they could also motivate us to do the complete opposite, to create a willingness to put ourselves in an unfavourable position, far from our pre-defined comfort zone.

To attempt to explain the phenomenon, a cross-reference is made to the the theory of motivation. And the theory suggests that the inner motivation usually comes from the conventional belief that good grades in school will help us achieve our desired goals (e.g. ideal job). Then, when we move on to take up jobs we hate because we believe that the money or status from that job will improve the quality of life and thus a happier self-being. Some of us may even consider the extremes (e.g. committing crimes) if we think that it is necessary to achieve that. And happiness is that stark belief that the future will be better because of today's sacrifice and the mind looks forward to a presumed positive certainty in the future although logically, (or, by murphy's law, anything that can go wrong, will go wrong) nothing is certain until its occurence.

So as Maslow's theory suggests, when our needs become so overwhelming, we put ourselves on fire just to achieve a need or simply a want. As introduced in the beginning, while a dissatisfied person is unlikely to be happy, can the converse be true as well? That is to say, "A satisfied person should be happy." Does this statement stand? Does satisfaction always entail happiness?

Which makes us wonder, is happiness all about satisfying our needs?

Can we instead redefine happiness as the true meaning of life? And that the most fundamental goal of a human being is to live a happy (and hopefully fulfilling) life?

The questions of life and meaning have been asked since we were able to comprehend our own existence, and we come up with complicated religions, philosophies, and psychological studies to figure out the answers. That also resulted in various definitions of a happy life which includes but does not limit to, freedom of choice and speech, power to influence and make choices, recognition of personal identity..etc

Of course, happiness is subjective. There are those who have already fulfilled their material and spiritual needs. They are at the top of their career, married with wonderful kids, enjoy popularity, have more than enough to spend, have made significant contribution to their community, everything else was according to plan.. etc. It was very easy to define such people as the fortunately happy people. But it was the same people who have reported depression, suicidal thoughts, etc.

An acquaintance once shared a story. Employees are jumping off buildings and in their last notes, they stated that the job was "too boring." Remove the doubts and however absurd the whole story sounds, let's just assume that usually rational people have the potential to do irrational things during extremely unfavourable external or internal conditions. In this case, was the absence of challenge or being in the comfort zone for too long considered extremely unfavourable?

To make sense of this phenomena, we were led back to the same model that Maslow came up with. Was it flawed?

By large, in his widely publicized paper, A Theory of Human Motivation, Maslow broadly categorized the needs stated into two types - psychological and physiological.

The lower ends of the pyramid, which I would label as external needs, includes the need to survive, need to be loved, etc etc. where the sources of satisfaction comes from beyond the internal self. When these needs are met, why is it possible for a person to be dissatisfied or unhappy?

This leads to talk about self-actualization in the highest hierarchy. Conveniently, these should be labeled as internal needs because the motivation comes from within. Although self-perception may be influenced by external factors like peer, family or media influence, it is largely a very personal choice. Though theories of social engineering may be brought up here, the human will may be twisted but never controlled directly through an external mean. It is probable that psychotic hypnotism can influence a person's behaviour but it cannot directly alter his personal beliefs or views on issues. In other words, there is no way to "mind control" any person with the sanity in mind.

That is why even though the human brain was the most extensively studied part of the human body, the human psychology can never be quantised or become absolute or become a purely scientific topic rather than social science. Psychology can only propose and not predict future behaviour and thoughts of a human being.

The idea of self-actualisation is very simple. It is how we see ourselves yet difficult to understand from another person's perspective. To most people, perhaps the definition of happiness varies to a certain degree. Other than the sense of security, the sense of accomplishment is a much more complex idea to pursue, especially if it varies at different stages in life. As we mature or if the external conditions have changed, our life goals probably follow suit.

With particular reference to the main topic, could environmental changes come too suddenly that the human mind couldn't come to terms with? Or could idealism and perfectionism create an unrealistic goal that could hardly be achieved?

We understand that a setback or a painful lesson can moderate expectation. A series of minor setbacks conditions the mind, just like all the mileage a marathoner clocks to condition his body, for even more challenging trials in future. The resulting increase in the amount of realistic thinking , is often presumed to be in a direct relationhip with increased contentment contentment and thus happiness.

Therefore, in an idealised setting and in accordance to most standard textbook answers, a happy person is not a person in a certain set of circumstances, but rather a person with a certain set of attitudes. And in defining happiness, it is the meaning and the purpose of life, the whole aim and end of human existence. In other words, the greatest part of our happiness depends on our dispositions, not our circumstances.

But a counter-argument may arise, suggesting that happiness is largely a part of the circumstances instead in a real world. Circumstances are normally related to the big M word, also known as Vitamin "M". As the basic needs to survive is air, food and water, we don't need the vitamins to survive. However, without the proper nourishment from a balanced diet, our body becomes less healthy. And we may die from other indirect causes as a result. Similarly in a more spiritual way, vitamin "M" does have a significant effect on the psychological well-being of a common city-dweller. Although money can't directly buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. That is why many of us don't mind being miserable rich people!

*This topic is not over yet! More followups to come soon. If you are interested to read the previous articles pertaining to this particular topic, please click on the label below.

对树枝许过的谎言

2011-05-16T01:23:00.005+08:00

词/曲：沙沙
演唱：枯叶

怎么我又开始担心到天亮
现在的你到底靠在谁的身旁
我的心开始彷徨
怎么思绪都混乱
就这样熬过了失眠的晚上

怎么每次给的理由都一样
其实我不是不懂只是不肯讲
把自己弄的很忙
其实全都是假装
却还以为自己走出了伤感

我说我是你能永远停靠的港湾
而你却选择离我最远的地方
一切早就不一样
像路人经过身旁
我也不必装模做样。。

我说我一定会把你彻底的遗忘
我们已到此为止不会再勉强
一切都来得太晚
就算还不能遗忘
我也不必再次说谎。。

树枝上的新芽
别再说谎。。

Sidetrack

2011-05-14T00:02:00.000+08:00

This was a note I wrote to myself, having lost most of my FYP progress after the laptop died. Having reached a record braindrain with most of the original ideas forgotten or refused to reuse.. I think I must have written that note after staring at a blank screen for 2 hours. Now 2 months later, I found the contents of the crumbled note in my wastepaper basket (yes it's still there after all this time) much more interesting than the project itself.

Unlike most other fields, a project that requires largely creativity could take either a day or forever to finish, depending on when inspiration comes knocking.

The problem is, inspiration could also be a shy lady. She might be sitting around somewhere, waiting for you to make the first move. And often, the best pick up lines involve beating around the bush, creating some aura of mystery, to make the game more mystifying.

Thus, in my pursuit of this lovely and shy lady, I have to inevitably digress, do something else and hope against hope that jealousy will make her come to me.

This, in other words, means to get my apparent attention somewhere else when in fact my subconscious is still locked on to the original project. And having digressed and beat around the bush, I just wanted to introduce a new label.

the wonderer or wonder-Er

depending on various interpretations, it could mean:

a person who wonders.
a person possibly with wonderful qualities with the surname Er (think wonder woman, wonder bra, wonder kid, ..etc)

Now is that label enough to attract that lovely and shy lady to take notice of me?

Confessions of an Insomniac

2011-05-10T23:38:00.007+08:00

There's no doubt, light's gone out
Sleeplessness has left me crying out loud
Every excuse denied, I'm ashamed of my plight
Reality has been provocative,
But I'm doing my best shutting out every emotive

Night has come, my nightmare has begun
On this bed that I lay, the monster in me starts to play,
Much as I plead, he just won't go away.
Morning would come, and that is when,
My eyes are drooping, my soul's taken a beating
And the whole vicious cycle would start once again.

I tried every way to get back on track,
I'd lose a commitment and then just gain two more back!
Then I'd fail once again.. only to bring in new disdain.
Each brand new day inspires another attempt,
Each evening simply breeds more self-contempt.
All the self-loathing, and the utter remorse,
Simply unable to get back on course.

Overwhelmed with this state of awful depression,
Giving in to this dark, paralyzing obsession.
I knew I could no longer go on this way,
Desperate and dying, bit by bit, day by day.
So I got on my knees, and prayed for some relief,
Still reeling in a state of disbelief

难过

2011-04-13T22:30:00.006+08:00

近日，得知了一件不幸的事，但却什么也没表示。可能周围的人会觉得我很不明显的表示有些无情。其实我的那份懊恼，难过，实在无法用言语表达出来。只能说学了很多年，还是学不会自己的语言。

一方面可说是迷信。因为犯太岁。但我知道，因为自己倒霉了一辈子，所以我并没有那么迷。另一方面是因为我的出现应该会造成尴尬的局面。也有一部分是自己不想也不敢踏出那第一步。可能是之前受的委屈让我至今难忘，可是都这么久了，想要生气都很难。比起生气，我更是无奈。所以选择了逃避。选择了不去想，不去管，不去分析缘故，更不想再次说自己不愿说的谎。也可能是小心翼翼，想要避开闲言闲语，不想被误认为是投机取巧的行为。想着想着，我的存在并没有很重要，所以最后选择的，还是继续让人误会，批评。反正也习惯了被瞧不起和被辱骂了，不是吗？

不知道从什么时候开始喜欢掩饰自己的心情和想法。但最近好像找双耳朵诉苦。不知道什么时候开始，当有人问起是谁，我连朋友都很难说出口。我还算是个朋友吗？我对这冷冰冰的银幕一字不漏的写出心中的无奈。

可能是经历过的挫折与背叛，让我无法对人与人之间有百分百的信任。我没有变更坚强或聪明反而变得多疑和极端。其实这世界藏着太多谎言，我一时还喘不过气来，所以还是选择了在原地，装着不懂，不管也不在乎。虽不好受但还是习惯了，只能无言的愣着。

Standing Corrected

2011-03-27T00:36:00.000+08:00

Reference to Tribute to Nice Guys, dated a long time ago.

Nice guys DON'T finish last, unless they finish as the last winners.

Instead of coming up with more supporting theories for the notion, I decided to come up with an antithesis. A good example would be me. I'm not nice but I still finish last, forever labelled as the next best alternative.

Although I am versatile and portable, I am, afterall, not a product, categorized by the ratings of my multiple functions. I am not a tool, yet you only come to me when I'm needed. More than that, I am unique, not one of the many in your list. Our relationship is exclusive and irreplacable no matter how else you define it.

~the backup battery speaks

CX's secret to the not-quite-but-still healthy lifestyle

2011-03-21T20:36:00.002+08:00

While an apple a day keeps the doctor away,
a kopi a day keeps the yawning away!

the wonderer

2011-03-18T02:06:00.000+08:00

the final destination still looks distant,
as a weary soul tries to bridge this distance.
is there no more room to wander about,
or is it just procrastination wondering aloud?

Whiners vs Winners

2011-02-08T01:24:00.012+08:00

I got a little disillusioned lately due to a minor setback. One more dream that was pursued for years, was thrown into the trashbin by a harmless yet direct comment.

The nihon dream remained a dream in my dreams after all.

Since whining has one more letter "H" and winning has one more letter "N",there is only one simple do and don't between two attitudes I can choose to adopt. I can choose to procrastinate (very tempting) or I could forget about it and believe that one day, my turn to win will come with the right condition.

Dummy guide to presentation

2011-02-08T01:08:00.002+08:00

Use visual aids

Since a picture paints a thousand words, graphics instead of words can double the chances of meeting your objectives and capturing the desired attention.

Keep it short and sweet

Nothing kills a presentation more than going on too long and nobody will ever complain about the converse.

Use the rule of three

People tend to only remember three things. Work out what the three messages that you want your audience to take away and structure your presentation around them. Use a maximum of three points on a slide if possible.

Lose the script in your presentation – don’t put your speaker notes up on the screen

This is a common but critical mistake for most people. To make your presentation more effective put your speaker notes in your notes and not up on the screen. Or in other words, don't read directly off the screen!!

Dry Run

Practice doesn't necessarily make a perfect performance since there's no such thing as perfect, but it will definitely make a better and prepared performance. A dry run is to iron out any possible flaws/difficulty that would be difficult to spot during the the drafting of the script. Be prepared to improvise and edit the script along the way.

But often, the main issue for a rehearsal is to defeat the stage jitters. Perform your presentation out loud at least four times. One of these should be in front of a real scary audience. Your friends, family or colleagues. Even the dog is good enough.

Video Recording

Set up a video camera and video yourself presenting. You will see all sorts of mistakes that you are making, from how you are standing, if you are jangling keys, to how well your presentation is structured. This is best used when if you do not have an audience (or if your dog is the only audience unless your dog's feedback is comprehensible to your ears)

Tell stories

All presentations are a type of theatre performance. Tell stories and anecdotes to help illustrate points and possibly relate to the audience's own experiences. Other than capturing the audience's attention, it also helps to make an effective and memorable experience for those who gave you their time and attention.

Know what slide is coming next

You should always know when presenting which slide is coming up next. Give the impression that you are fully prepared for the presentation. It sounds very powerful when you say “On the next slide [Click] you will see…”, rather than than a period of confusion/awkward pause until the next slide appears.

Have a back-up plan and a back-up plan for the back-up plan.

Murphy’s law normally applies during a presentation. Technology not working, power cuts, projector blowing a bulb, spilling coffee on your front, not enough power leads, no loudspeakers, presentation displays strangely on the laptop – all of these are things that have happened in presentations that I have given.

Have a back-up plan. Take with you the following items – a printed out set of slides – (you can hold these up to the audience if you need to), a CD or data stick of your presentation, a laptop with your slides on it. And another back-up plan, e.g. the best excuse you can think of to convince the audience that this is all part of the presentation, if all else fails. Just in case.

Murphy's law is an adage or epigram that is typically stated as: "Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong".

Check out the presentation room

Arrive early and check out the presentation room. Make sure that you see your slides loaded onto the PC and working on the screen. Also, work out where you will need to stand and if you need to move around.

生命中的失意

2011-01-06T00:33:00.006+08:00

汉字中有种经验叫失意,

求学时,在考场败北,是失意；工作上,事业无成,是失意；热恋中,遭抛弃,也是失意.凡事要是不如意便是失意.

失意无处不在.一次失意,如同品尝一次人生的苦辣和考验.尝过苦辣,历经考验,才能跨过人生的一个坡坎.

失意总会使人细细品味人生,反复咀嚼苦辣,培养自身悟性. 这是因为反思自责,正视缺点和弱项,努力克服不足,从而驾驭生命的帆船,乘风破浪,以求一搏,都是一种从失意的废墟上的重新崛起.

所以,如果说失意犹如逆境,而逆境便是到达理想境界的通途.人最出色的工作,往往在处于逆境的情况下做出,思想上的压力,甚至肉体上的痛苦,都可能成为精神上的兴奋剂.

善待失意,常常会产生一种无形的鞭策,催人奋进. 失意其实是一束长满荆棘的玫瑰花. 虽然说鲜花令人怡情而失去警惕；荆棘叫人心悸而保持清醒, 但往往停留在回忆里,总是玫瑰花的美,失意后得到的更多和超越一次的自我.

也有种美丽叫放弃.

当心产生某种伤感,然而这种伤感并不妨碍自己去重新开始,这成了一种自然的告别与放弃.

它富有超脱精神,因而伤感得美丽！曾经有种感觉,想让它成为永远. 过了好久,才发现它已渐渐消逝了. 才知道原来握在手里的,不一定就是真正拥有的；而拥有的,也不一定就是真正铭刻在心的.

人生很多时候需要自觉的放弃, 因为世间还有太多美好的事物. 对没有拥有的美好, 无头绪的执著,一直苦苦的向往与追求,而忙忙碌碌,曾经以为是种盲目的幸福, 但实际上并一点都不快乐.

其实自己真正所需要的, 往往要在经历许多年后才会明白. 而对已经拥有的美好, 又因为常常得而复失的经历, 而存在一份忐忑与担心.

夕阳易逝的叹息、花开花谢的懊恼、人生本是不快乐的！刻意去追逐与拥有, 就很难走出患得患失的误区. 生命需要升华出安静超然的精神, 明白的人懂得放弃,真情的人懂得牺牲,幸福的人懂得超脱.

生命给了无尽的悲哀,也给了永远的答案. 于是,当一切不如意,安然一份失忆,固守一份超脱. 不管红尘世俗的变迁, 不管个人的选择方式, 更不管握在手中的轻重, 虽逃避也能勇敢地面对,虽伤感也能欣慰地过活！

5年来，像往常一样向生活的深处走去, 一样在逐步放弃,又逐步坚定. 有一种感觉总在失眠时,才承认是“思念”；有一种缘分总在梦醒后,才相信是“永恒”；有一种目光总在分手时,才看见是“眷恋”；有一种情感总在离别后,才明白是“失意”.

What Does it Take to be Happy: Why Are We Happy?

2010-09-02T01:23:00.011+08:00

It's in a place you’ve never been
And it feels like home or so you think
It’s where you gave your all
And still want to give a little more
It's when every tomorrow
Feels like an ambiguity,
Every yesterday a memory,
And every present moment worth living for.

xAxA
adapted from "Happy Rules"

As mentioned before, we base every decision we make on how the consequences of our choices affect our overall happiness. We wrap birthday gifts because seeing our loved ones joyfully tear off the paper while wondering what could be inside makes us happier than just handing over an unwrapped gift. We donate to charities because helping others increases our own happiness in different ways. We watch animes and read comic books (even if we think they don't add anything productive to our day) because we want to feel a moment of satisfaction.

Yet, though we know that the expectancy of happiness is one key factor in most of our decision-making, it doesn’t really explain the idea of being happy. How do we define it? How will you know that the emotion you are having is a happy one? In fact, how do we ever distinguish the happy moments if life itself doesn't have a sad story to complement?

The main point is, happiness isn't really an entity in itself; it's merely a contrast with something that isn't pleasant. Most religious teachings state that there cannot be good without its counterpart, evil; or as I quote newton's famous physics theory (in my own words) every action must be coupled with a reaction. Similarly, happiness cannot exist without sadness. That is why utopia can never exist in practice.

Furthermore, the theory is flawed to begin with. A utopia can never bring sustained happiness even if it exists. When everyday is the same "happy" day, we get bored of the unchanging. And as I discussed earlier on the article entitled boredom (republished: 30 July 2009), boredom can be painful, or at least bring about intense emotions. As boredom has become a form of discomfort or dissatisfaction with the eversame, it is merely a response to the commonplace, the familiar, and the every same day, brought by the constantly "happy" conditions in the utopia. Ironic that even happiness can possibly lead to pain ultimately.

But can we (thankfully) assume that since every part of life has a counterpart, so conversely, pain can possibly (and eventually) lead us to happiness too?

What Does it Take to be Happy: Prologue

2010-08-25T01:17:00.004+08:00

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired yet can't sleep
And when the whole world seems to be tied to your feet..

xAxA
adapted from "The Angst of Growing Up"

According to Maslow's hierarchy of needs, humans feel content when all of one's physical, emotional, psychological, intellectual and spiritual needs have been gratified. Suffice to say; the definition of happiness must include the feeling of contentment.

However, is being content all that it takes to be happy in life? What if one day we felt that we have done everything we wanted and there was nothing else we need in life?

If you no longer need money because everything was free; If there were no causes to fight for, no diseases to cure, no poverty to remedy, no environmental damage, no obligations, no worries, no problems, how do you think you will be living your life?

Now, here's the part that gives us the deepest insight into the meaning of life. Why would you do the things you do?

When asking why and if you think really deep enough, the answers always (one way or another) lead back to the ultimate self-serving motivation: "Because it would make me happy."

Just Human

2010-08-11T02:07:00.004+08:00

The headache won't go away. Been days. My temperature shot up from today's 37.8 (before work) to 38.9 degrees at the moment. I feel sulky. My wrist hurts, badly. Still I have to smile and keep my super bad temper in check. Still, I must act dumb and carry the burden. I have to maintain a higher than others' level of threshold even if my perfectionistic (and impatient) nature threatens to take over.

Luckily I kept every negativity to manageable levels. And I'm glad I did it. I wished I were more approachable or more gentle, but my head is threatening to implode anytime. I only know I cannot succumb to pain.

I am perhaps replaceable should I break down. And it doesn't help if people started gossiping behind you even though all you wanted is to do your job well.

Still it doesn't give me the justification to fail in my duties. I set and fulfil my own expectations of myself. Those who know me well already should expect me to expect a lot from them and yet much more from myself.

There's many other things for me to settle. But only one brain is functioning. There are some who perhaps give up at the 1st or 2nd setback. They like their life to be easy and simple. I chose to endure and make it difficult, in order to strengthen my resolve.

I'm definitely feeling the heat. If only I were a little more than human. Just a tiny whiny bit. For some reason, I think I've aged in one day. I'm suddenly a 22-year-old.

Someone Like ME

2010-07-26T00:47:00.005+08:00

Someone like me don't need to be appreciated.

I'm trying to drill this statement in. To be self-motivated. To be less reliant on external factors for support and motivation. When what you get isn't quite what was claimed, you feel disappointed. So I am trying to minimize the chances of feeling disappointment again.

Still, I have the tendency to want people to see me as an individual entity, not just part of a collective identity. Those days of needing to have a collective identity is almost over. I'm not just part of a group of people. I have a name. And its unique. And so am I.

I'm trying hard. But only I can see. The others will only see the results. I'm doing okay in my current job, but not as fantastic as I wished it would be. And everyday I had to pretend to believe in some lies and I'm made to lie as well. Not that I'm so saintly that I have never told a single lie in my life, but call me inflexible. I don't feel comfortable with lying and I don't know how some people can tell a few everyday.

There's not much difference between the honest person and the good liar. No one believes in both the truths and lies I've said, well unless I started making myself look worse than I really am. For me, if I want to cover up something, I'll just shut up, instead of trying to talk my way through. I'm a bad liar, naturally not gifted or inclined in that direction, but still, I do surprisingly well in sales at times.

A million good jobs can't right a wrong. I strive for perfection. I expect alot from others and more from myself. But my record is not unblemished. When you ride high on your dreams and suddenly fall from them, that fall hurts. I have sufficient experience to claim that I have suffered setbacks in life before. They claimed that I've matured. All I see is that I've turned from gullible/trusting to suspicious.

I'm really very tired. When school reopens, maybe I will get more tired. It's the time again when you feel that you have come to the end of the road and you don't think you have anything else to look forward to. I had this feeling once or twice before. I remember it.

I wished I have had a holiday. I haven't slept much in the past month. So tired. Solitude is really not easy. Coupled with the lack of sleep everyday, it really makes even the sane mind cranky. And I'm one crazy fella to begin with. But the last thing I want is sympathy. If I wanted it, I would have begged for it.

Just a thought

2010-07-14T23:13:00.006+08:00

It's just a thought. More than often, we are made to believe we are more important to others than we really are. We call it exaggeration. I believe that so far, everyone else can move on without me. I have always been aware of this point.

The patronizing words. I'm kinda skeptical. You do a million things out of your way just for another's convenience. You know you were never significant as previously claimed, but you just go ahead and help out anyways. If you were missing, no one will actually realise that. Your loss won't be felt. Just as anywhere you go. You are just a figure. They just delete the ID from the registry and that's it.

Who am I and what's my actual worth? A convenience store perhaps. Good to have but not neccessary since I have a bit of everything but not everything. I've done quite a bit of a variety of things in my lifetime. Nobody respects you for that though, because you are not one of the best anywhere.

No one really sees me as me. They categorize me. They pre-judge me based on my current and potential networth and possibly usefulness to their own needs. Which school? What faculty? No one has ever said, "Wow, this is one good lad." Instead, "Wow, this is one undergrad." I'm like.. so? I've worked in many fields that did not ask for strict academic requirements. Funny that some insensible people think since they did well in school, they can do almost anything else. These fields that they were supposedly overqualified, was never easy at all. I supposed when the chance arises, I will try to avoid the glittery tourist attractions to see the real world out there. It was so difficult to slip out of the comfort zone but I need to find out through the experience of what I already have and stop harping on what I don't have.

In my experience so far, I've never chosen the easy way out. Because it is only through making mistakes that I remember the lesson well. The past one week living alone, was an invaluable yet not easy experience. I was both physically and mentally shagged. But to shake off the need to emotionally dependant on human company, wasn't to be easily achieved. At work, I smiled and laughed all my way, but when I'm back to my own, there were so many constant things on my mind. I believe one day, I could be fully independant.

This world is ugly and complicated. The nicer ones don't bother you, but it's always one or two who take advantage of my situation at critical moments. I will not let myself fall into that vulnerable emotional state. The worst situation to me so far took place a few years ago after the all-too-infamous breakup, and my mental health almost totally collapsed. And of course some "friends and friends of friends" cashed in on that. Luckily the only loss I incurred was my pride and a few thousand dollars. It wasn't the first time I got duped in such vulnerable situations. I'm probably just too easy to deal with.

I'm reliving that moment now. Well, I'm sure this is but a vaccine to help me achieve the objective me in time to come. Always remember, never rely on others to help you when you fall in deep shit. Settle everything yourself if humanely possible.

A long day full of uncertainty is coming again. I wasn't fully ready but the only way is to face it bluntly. Quite a number of people depend on me to carry out the operation smoothly. Funny. I never wanted to carry this burden and responsibility, but here I am, bracing myself and somewhat looking forward to the challenge. I have nothing, no one left to depend on. Only me and my iron will.

Survive tomorrow without major hiccups, I'll treat myself to a well-deserved dip in the pool. I need to swim.

Tired.

2010-07-11T23:51:00.002+08:00

Luckily, there hasn't been much of disturbance lately. No one has plan A and B failed and need to revert to backup plan CX. Well, I wouldn't say none, there were still quite a few phonecalls that I couldn't pick up during work hours, so at least I was able to concentrate on what I'm doing. My phone is spoilt, and my backup phone doesn't have all the contacts, so I don't really know who called.

There's no need to drop the load on my hands to lend my assistance and then give the impression that I must be too free. This kind of "I feel that I am being taken for granted" feeling is not very welcome. It brings alot of negative emotions to myself.

Maybe, I wasn't meant to be a servant afterall. Not many feels happy to compromise their own personal interests for others' personal interests. I am one of the many. Seriously you don't really need my help, it's just that so far no one is "free" to help yet.

Hair Matters (or rather the lack of it)

2010-06-14T00:15:00.001+08:00

I was sitting rather comfortably on the bus. Thanks to my.. overgrown bush on the face. The unkempt look probably turned others away. Furthermore, I was dressed in shorts and my jersey (which was by then, rugged) I remembered there was one who quickly changed her mind after taking a closer look. LOL. There were hardly any available seats around but I'm rather glad I didn't need to share as I was feeling rather grouchy. I look like I will "eat people up" in colloquial terms.

So I did a small test. I usually look acceptable usually. Not ugly if I bothered to do something about it. So I covered the lower half of the face and then it started to get a little uncomfortable when someone of the opposite gender sits beside you after a game. Even though the deodorant promised to mask most of the undesirables, I just felt that my comfort zone isn't big enough for someone within inches from bodily contact. Maybe the main contributing factor is the humid weather. Because it was very easy to stereotype and associate everything negative from the way you present yourself. She changed seats the moment she realised what's under the "cover".

The covers of a book does matter right? No matter how good its contents are, no one will bother to start reading it unless:

a) someone else says its good and managed to generate interest
b) you love exploring the uncharted and dangerous
c) you are simply too bored
d) you are truly "____" - I find no word to describe thee except please let me bring you home to see mama if you don't mind. LOL.

Latest Personality Test by C-VAT

2010-05-30T23:55:00.002+08:00

This test was taken as part of the job-hunting process. Any potential employers who think I'm a rare gem, please hire me!!

At a Glance

• Takes time over tasks, sees deadlines as flexible.

• Detailed, meticulous and observant, quick to pick out abnormalities.

• Does not get involve in other's personal problems.

• Faithful, trustworthy and devoted in long-term relationships.

• Does not seek positions of power or authority.

• Sees people as nice and friendly, not comfortable to wheel and deal.

• Wants to lead people, has considerable influence over others.

• Likes intellectual discussions, likes to explore ideas.

• Needs clear and thorough instructions, slow to act when uncertain.

While at Work

Mr ER is prepared to put in hard work moderately but he may at times prefer to work at his own pace.

Time is not a major priority for Mr ER. He is probably often late for appointments and may keep people waiting. He sees deadlines as flexible and takes his time to do things. He is not time-conscious when planning or organizing activities. Mr ER may feel stressed and demotivated when he is rushed, and may not deliver results on time.

Mr ER generally will persist with work until it is completed but may at times not complete his tasks.

Mr ER is likely to be quality-conscious and achievement-oriented. He is motivated to produce work that is of a high standard. He is observant, quick to spot errors and critical where work is concerned. He is likely to be meticulous, careful and pre-occupied with detail.

Mr ER is generally objective but may at times be emotional.

Mr ER is selective in lending support to others. He often remains detached and unsympathetic. Mr ER may not regard the welfare of another person as the most important aspect of their relationship. He is not likely to want to be involved in the problems of others unless necessary.

Mr ER is friendly and outgoing when he is with friends although he may at times prefer to be quiet.

Mr ER is the sort of person who forms long term bonds and attachments. He is faithful, trustworthy, and devoted in such relationships. He tends to be trusting, dedicated and protective towards those he loves. Patriotism and sense of duty is a significant aspect of his character.

Positions of power, influence and authority are not Mr ER's concern. He does not mind letting others assert authority over him. He is accommodating, laid back and easy-going.

Mr ER is moderately concerned with prestige, rank and reputation.

Mr ER sees people as friendly, reliable and honest. He is trusting and believes what people say. He tends to be unsuspecting of people.s behaviour and motives. He is uncomfortable when he has to wheel and deal.

Courage, vigour and initiative are some of the hallmarks of Mr ER's character. He wants to lead direct and guide people in a certain direction. Because Mr ER is confident, forward thinking and visionary, he commands respect and has considerable influence over others. He is able to harness the support of people.

Intellectually inquisitive and extremely interested in knowledge acquisition, Mr ER enjoys discussing hypothetical or theoretical issues. He is conceptual and likes to explore abstract ideas. Mr ER is a thinker, creative and inventive of ideas. He enjoys reading and is happiest sourcing for new ideas and information.

Mr ER puts in effort to plan ahead some of the times. He may at times not be as detailed in his planning.

Mr ER is generally able to express himself although not to a high degree of eloquence.

I'd Rather Ogle than Google (For male readers only)

2010-05-28T16:39:00.016+08:00

I wanted to create a blog dedicated to public transport experiences. Things that you probably won't get to encounter if your primary means of transport is, for example and fortunately, your own automobile. Although the main purpose is to hopefully drive down COE prices by encouraging everyone else to take the public transport for my own personal interests and promote environmentalism, taking the public transport (MRT or bus) has also been a significant part of my life experience since I first took a bus by myself during kindergarten days and have since travelled for no less than an hour per trip daily on bus/train for the remainder of my schooling life. It's not too much to claim that I have in my head a full 20 years of riding experience.

Although laziness and other distractors seem to have delayed the plans, I supposed I could make a small start by describing one common phenomena I recently (and quite frequently) encountered. This also sometimes happen to myself in some often non-premediated circumstances.

disclaimer: the following article is intended for mature male audience only. Readers are expected to exercise discretion to either use the information presented as just a reference or with a pinch of salt. There is no intention to alienate any social groups and any similar reference to the reader's personal experience is purely coincidental. The author will not be liable for any reader's misunderstandings/misappropriate behaviour that happen thereafter.

For men’s eyes only: boob-ogling good as 30 min in gym
source of claim: unknown

This is not a joke. It came from the New England Journal of Medicine. Great news for girl watchers: Ogling over women's breasts is good for a man's health and can add years to his life, medical experts have discovered. According to the New England Journal of Medicine, "Just 10 minutes of staring at the charms of a well-endowed female is roughly equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics work-out" declared gerontologist Dr. Karen Weatherby.

Dr. Weatherby and fellow researchers at three hospitals in Frankfurt, Germany, reached the startling conclusion after comparing the health of 200 male outpatients - half of whom were instructed to look at busty females daily, the other half told to refrain from doing so. The study revealed that after five years, the chest-watchers had lower blood pressure, slower resting pulse rates and fewer instances of coronary artery disease.

"Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves blood circulation," explains Dr. Weatherby. "There's no question: Gazing at breasts makes men healthier. Our study indicates that engaging in this activity a few minutes daily cuts the risk of stroke and heart attack in half. We believe that by doing so consistently, the average man can extend his life four to five years."

And I ever wonder if that serves as justification for the act which is so common on public transport whenever the opportunity arises. If the article is true. Wow. But the article did not describe the afterfeelings of getting stared back at or any other repercussions after the act of ogling.

That is why googling is a form of ogling with a guilt-free pass, because you may stare as long as you want. Still, if given the choice without the guilt repurcussions, I'd rather ogle than to google.

Ogling is a biological process. It's inbuilt in the genes of a normal and healthy adult male, to facilitate the successive propagation of the species. And natural selection has, of course, fine-tuned the ability, ensuring that those with the best genes gets to reproduce. Those with least tendency to ogle, are of course, less likely to reproduce since the interest is in somewhere else or another gender. So in short, ogling, in moderate amounts, is healthy. But googling isn't.

But unfortunately, there isn't a guilt-free pass for ogling, so for any gentleman-wannabe, some tips might come in handy when another similar situation happens.

How to avoid staring (or gazing too long) at her boobs (Practical tips that complements the moral and civic education)

1) Make some eye contact with her. It's polite, and of course, in the first place, you most likely bothered to look in that direction because her face has some attractive features.

2a) If it's someone you know or have just hooked up with, you may also use distractors to make your true intents covert. These include small talk about her shoes, earrings, and so forth, whichever keeps her interested to talk about, but not too much or she might think you're interested in something which you really aren't. Too much is hypocrisy. We call this.. being sincere.

2b) If you think you can't keep your eyes off, avoid turning your face away as its rude to do so midway in a conversation. Talk to her about anything: movies, school, current events, anything that at least partially distracts you from her breasts.

2c) If you are sure she isn't looking, take a quick glance at her breasts to relieve yourself, but don't forget to look away, as they can be hypnotic.

2d) Don't look off into space while talking to her if you are that afraid of looking at her boobs. Try to practice looking them in their eyes while talking to them. Then before you know it you'll be fine.
*If you find it hard to look at her eyes stare at the space between them.

3) Don't daydream about the twin peaks, especially if you are in class. The lecturer may call you out on it and jar you with a question, if you look spaced-out and have that silly smile on your face.

4) Make a vow to only stare at them a few minutes a day, and then lower the number of minutes each day until you reach an equilibrium quotient.

5) The ladies are more likely to be generous to us on hot sunny afternoons. But it doesn't mean we can be less discreet. Shades, other than masking our eyes from harmful UV rays, also masks the ogling rays jutting out of our eyes. So it is prudent to invest in a good one given the local weather.

6) Ultimately, it is good to note that they all follow one main principle, which is respect. I am not teaching anyone to be peeping Toms, nor am I expecting all gentlemen not to look. It is okay to gaze but it is not okay to leer. The least we can do to show the kind of utmost appreciation and gratitude which we do not speak of, is to show respect for her, by being nice and not too openly look.

7) For any person whom you may potentially start a romantic relationship, there is an unspoken motivation behind the principle of respect. The more frequently you treat her with respect, the more likely that you get an opportunity to increase your chances to earn her trust.

And the more she trusts you, the more likely that she will show you her entire boobs willingly in an appropriate place and timing (e.g. wedding night). This is what dreams are made of.

The Dream of a Seagull

2010-05-04T14:04:00.013+08:00

symbolic meaning of a seagull:
Persistence, even to the point of pestering. Brazen exploration, especially where there are likely to be rewards. A highly versatile creature since the seagull is capable on land, in the air, or at sea.

海鸥的梦想

我的脚不愿离开地面
因为我害怕着
害怕飞向蓝天
早已习惯了生活在地面的我
已将原本熟悉的蓝天
化成了陌生的边界
但我不是有翅膀吗？
不是还有海鸥的梦想吗？

此时的你，是否感到生活乏味，整天都无法摆脱郁闷的心情？

习惯了为生存而麻木的生活，梦想是不是已经跟心一样渐渐僵化、腐朽？习惯了用大脑计较一切，脚踏实地的为生存奔波，翅膀与久未触动的灵魂是否一起被尘封在记忆的深处？

海鸥的天性绝对不是机械的完成捕鱼的任务，所以束缚的命运就是被打破。当它忘记了如何翱翔，害怕曾经熟悉的蓝天，那么接下来呢？肆无忌惮的飞，挥霍着自己的能量，却始终徘徊在鱼鹰的高度。剧烈起伏的胸膛下的心是如此空虚。空虚和害怕来源于迷惘，迷惘的寻找着变得陌生的梦想。而当束缚被解开，我们真的能够飞得象我们梦想的那样高，那样远，那样自由自在吗？

或许，在意的不是曾经的沧桑。过去的已经过去，却总有一些丝毫牵扯着历史与思绪。

或许，只是觉得忧伤，因为某一片历史蓦然黯淡，不复晶亮美好。

际遇与忙碌，总是将生命轻易耗去。
用一柱香的时间叹息。香尽，停息。

梦想是一定要追逐却但不一定要实现的，翱翔也不一定非得在九天之上。遗失了梦想，空虚的心，只能任由自己的身体被无谓的自由――曾经那么渴望的自由，曾经那么宝贵的自由――所包围，享受着这折磨，然后朽败、枯萎。

想着想着，你是不是和海鸥一样，内心中还有未完成的梦想？

Brooding

2010-04-20T21:45:00.004+08:00

Life beats down and crushes the soul and art reminds you that you have one.

- Stella Adler

How easy it is to break down and simply fall into a melancholic and despondent state. I pity myself for wallowing in self-pity for a few days, instead of doing what should be the priority. Even if the negative emotions were to overwhelm the soul, all I need is to borrow an external influence to dull the senses.

Tried alcohol, cough mixture, flu tablets.. etc. Well, you don't take the latter usually unless you are very sick. But they are the most useful if they lull me to sleep. Alcohol serves to heighten my senses. Makes me brood even more. I once drenched my soul in it. Pulled it out in time, though my hand still shake at times from a little withdrawal.

I asked myself where did the arrogance go? I say experience removed quite a bit of it. And the Asian values subdued the remainder. I gave myself quite a lot of self-confidence. But the apparent attitude of others took quite a lot away too. So all that's left is a bit of idealism, perfectionism and an attention seeking tendency, just hoping some approval/endorsement will come along some day.

Brooding over matters is good at times. It showed the thinker which mattered more and helped him re-evaluate his options. I'm definitely not happy now. And nope, I can't choose to be happy even if I wanted to. But I can choose to smile and show a middle finger to everything that sucks. It doesn't help matters, but relieves tension. Coupled with the "In-glish" accent, I supposed tension's gone.

Life sucks. But I suck it all up anyway. Squeeze balls? Nah, too painful. I'm not one to suffer in silence if it exceeds my threshold. Suck thumb? Can. Only if my thumb hurts. That's my art of sucking it up. I'm not a passive giver.

I'm a rebel.

She and SHERO

2010-04-17T01:04:00.005+08:00

Should be studying now. But the mood was totally off. Trying hard not to think about.. Wanted to let go again. This time was harder. I can't forget but the wait was getting unbearable. How I wish one day you will look at me as me, and not one of we. I wished I will hear something from.. any sign.. any indication that my existance is still acknowledged.

Can I harbour expectations or demands? Sometimes, the more you try to will something to happen, the more it won't happen. And you get more frustrated/exasperated. Morale dropped to an all time low. I just wish you will take more notice at times. But all this I hope to achieve by just being myself.

There are some trends that coupled with previous knowledge that's invoking a very strong negative feeling. Felt challenged. Felt sour. Felt agitated.

But I'm atypical. Not one to rise up to every single challenge UNLESS it has a tangible benefit. Behind every winner is a loser. I don't mind taking turns to stand behind as long as I don't see the point in vying. But there's a struggle. It's as though not competing seems to undermine the value of the objective. As though the unspoken message is that it's not that important. For most cases, it is true. But, it isn't. It's just that I think this shouldn't be a competition to begin with. It's never about the best fit. It's about the right fit. If it's meant to be, no matter what, it's meant to be. There's no need to overdo anything. Perhaps silence is my best companion.

I can't stop myself from missing, pinning.. but I supposed I can stop myself from expressing it.
Don't want to think about anything at the moment. New album's out. =)

Other likes: (No MV on youtube yet)

只为爱上你 =)=)
少了一个人 =)
两个人的荒岛 (duet) =)=)

Being Objective

2010-03-16T23:44:00.005+08:00

I guess the entire decision was quite objective. At the same time, I wanted to make a point. It is a dangerous one that could backfire.

But I wanted to make it known that I don't revolve around people's life. I'm not just a planet around a Sun. In short, I don't enjoy being taken for granted even if it wasn't intentional. There may be some negative emotions involved, but I can't be bothered to intepret those emotions. I don't like to have the impression of my emotions being at the mercy of others. My brain is still filled with swirling images, but I intend to put the swirl to an end. In fact I intend to empty the nonsensical non-practical ones.

I know my own value. But some others seem to display signs that they don't know. So there is sometimes some "information" that requires dessimination. Afterall, the image you see is what I choose to let you see. The only difference is how you intepret it.

Any idea what I'm talking about? Vague is such a beautiful thing nowadays. Some people think they know very well. Do they? Again it's a matter of perspective. I respect different POVs, so to me it doesn't matter.

Paradoxically Pissed

2010-03-12T01:07:00.012+08:00

Trying hard not to mind read.
Pretending that people don't always come knocking in need
But how to when things are crystal clear.
As if I've again become someone's dear
Alas, when I've outlived my usefulness
Surely no one will ever think of me first!
Though I'm sure to be useful to a few..
Damn, but I have no use for you.

~adapted from "Piss off"

I'm Your Friend and You Are My Friend

2010-03-07T23:42:00.006+08:00

The most touching lines aren't the most flamboyant lines like what you see on soap dramas, or the ones spoken under the most dreaded life-and-death circumstances.

They didn't have to be the bestsellers of any love songs or a part of a romantic poem. Even if the most beautiful rhyme I could think of, “Ever you miss me, never you cry…. For a drop of tear in your eyes, is a day less in my life!” was nothing near touchy.

There wasn't any heart-wenching music in the background. The night is scorching hot thanks to the El Nino, but even this didn't melt my heart until..

It came suddenly, without warning. But there wasn't much of a big hoo-ha. It came as a gentle reminder and an affirmation,

i'm ur friend
n u r my friend
=)

Thank you.

Staying True

2010-03-07T22:30:00.003+08:00

Sometimes I wonder if it's all too little, too late? At this juncture I still did not make the plunge. The timing wasn't right, I told myself. In fact this was the best timing if only results matter. But I refused to get carried away, not to do anything extra but it doesn't mean I won't care to do more.

There is more I can offer. More I can say. Just that the confused state of mind couldn't help me sort them out. There wasn't a plan that I could follow. I'm at a loss. But I couldn't lie. I know for the past week I have been thinking about this. I couldn't concentrate. I was lethargic. I hated the uncertainty. It's a torture.

I don't know what was it like some years ago. Each time I told myself to be content, I ended up wanting more. And then I wanted to forget about the whole damn thing. This time, to give up seemed much tougher. The mere thought already left me drained. I can't imagine losing hold again. The lack of insistence does not necessarily mean lack of interest. It's just an alternative to wanting.

If time permits, the courage will come under circumstances. At this juncture, what else can I do then to remain anonymous and insignificant?

Lucky

2010-03-02T01:40:00.007+08:00

originally performed by Jason Mraz
(feat. Colbie Caillat)

Do you hear me,
I'm talking to you
Across the water
across the deep blue ocean
Under the open sky, oh my, baby I'm trying
Boy I hear you in my dreams
I feel your whisper across the sea
I keep you with me in my heart
You make it easier when life gets hard

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Ooohh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh

They don't know how long it takes
Waiting for a love like this
Every time we say goodbye
I wish we had one more kiss
I'll wait for you I promise you, I will

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Lucky we're in love every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

And so I'm sailing through the sea
To an island where we'll meet
You'll hear the music fill the air
I'll put a flower in your hair
Though the breezes through trees
Move so pretty you're all I see
As the world keeps spinning round
You hold me right here right now

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
I'm lucky we're in love every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

Ooohh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooooh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

执著于寂寞

2010-02-15T23:59:00.011+08:00

所谓快乐的定义，是独自享用? 还是与大众分享？

有人曾说过，快乐就是掩饰自己的悲伤, 尽可能对着每一个人微笑。然后在别人的欢笑声，寻找属于自己的快乐。

但是，笑也会让人疲惫……

其实，笑有时候也是因为寂寞。大笑只是因为努力去甩开那些空虚和不安。有时候，也会问，自己为什么寂寞。是无奈？还是选择？一直找不到答案的我，继续思考着，一个人寂寞着。

不知道自己会寂寞多久，也许一年，三年，或一辈子。但其实一辈子的时间也可能很短暂。现在，经常会自己一个人坐在窗户边，看，想。看那些街上走着的人们，很急。想那些曾经的回忆，很淡，却很真实。

即便是已经逝去的东西... 像时间，友谊，恋情.. 回想时还是会微笑。只因为它们曾经存在过。逝去并不是失去，曾经拥有过，也已然是一种幸福。幸福，应该就是这种苦中带甜的滋味吧。

我是个自私的人。或许换个角度来说，寂寞的人都是自私的吧。因为属于自己的东西已经太少，所以就不可能这么大方地去遗忘掉，也就理所当然地，自私地去记住属于自己的每一个故事。无论是高兴的，悲伤的，爱的，恨的，都保存在记忆里，不舍得忘记，因为里头包含的都是自己的感情。

曾经做错过很多事情，说错过很多话，有些事情时至今日还是无法去弥补，有些事情有些话至今日还是会继续做错，说错。我也明白，“对不起”并不能淡化一切。解释也可能被人看作是掩饰，是谎言，是会被人斥为那些千篇一律的台词。

可是，即使是台词，那一字一词也是我用心想出来的，自己的人生舞台剧我不会抄袭他人的剧本，即便是一句解释和道歉，那也是属于我的一个章节。就算错了，也要从自己的错误，失败中站起来。

已经过了童言无忌的年纪，却依旧犯着一些童言无忌的错误。一直不想长大，一直害怕步入自己讨厌的黑暗世界，却无法抗拒成年后的种种诱惑.. 矛盾着，最终剩下的，还是一个人的寂寞。整理心情的这1206日子里，每天都在告别一些伤感，然后欢迎一些伤痛。

害怕一个人孤独的我，却执著于一个人寂寞。

Extraversion-Introversion: Implications & Conclusion

2010-02-13T14:29:00.004+08:00

"Talent is formed in solitude, but
character in the storms of life"

~Goethe

There exists a correlation between extraversion and happiness; that is, more extroverted people reported higher levels of personal happiness. The causality is not clear, however. Extraversion may lead to greater happiness, happier people may become more extroverted, or there may be some other factor such as genetics that affects both. This may be due to inherent differences in the brain, or differential social treatment.

On average, extroverts report a somewhat higher self-esteem than introverts. It may be because introversion is generally regarded as less healthy and influences the introverts to think that their personality trait is undesired, resulting in a lower self-esteem in the process. Also, introverts acknowledge more readily their psychological needs and problems, whereas extroverts tend to be oblivious of them because they focus more on the outer world. Thus this somehow reinforces, to a certain extent, the common saying, "Ignorance is a blessing."

It is also possible that the results reflect biases in the survey itself.

While extraversion is generally perceived as socially desirable, but it is not always an advantage. For many years, researchers have found that introverts tend to be more successful in academic environments. This could be accredited to the difference in the attention span of extroverted and introverted youths. The introvert is more likely to be able to have better focus in academic learning which the extroverted youth may find boring or have his attention elsewhere. On a hindsight, extroverted youths are also more likely to engage in delinquent behavior.

When introverts are alone, they begin to regain their energy from being around people and this is often the best time to be with their own thoughts. Being with people, even people they like and are comfortable with, can undermine their desire to be quietly introspective. Some talents, like music for example, require much focus and concentration from the individual. And this favoured the introverted nature because musical practices usually do not involve much social interaction.

However, it is extremely difficult to simply thrive if we were to live our lives leaning too heavily towards one trait. The main idea is still to strike a balance between introversion and extraversion. No doubt we have to curb the need/desire/want to party to focus on certain tasks (e.g. tons of unfinished tutorials) or to come out of the "hiding" once in a while to meet people. Besides, in the long run, humans are afterall social creatures. Very few can live alone and retain a healthy state of mind. Some movies like "Castaway" certainly supported this notion.

Furthermore, there is a more practical reason to motivate people to display a more balanced behavioral pattern between introversion and extraversion. In today's highly dynamic industries, it is no longer easy to do well by just being proficient in your specialisation. The human networking has evolved to a more complex model that gives the extroverted nature an unfair advantage over the introvert's nature. Which is why in order to succeed in most industries, the most fundamental requirements would be both career focus and wide network circles.

And all these comes from learning and experience. Be it social skills or self-discipline, no one is born with them.

In the general debate of nature vs nurture, our individual talents are born with us on the same day, waiting to be discovered and developed later, but our characters are what grows together with us every day, every minute and every second of our life.

Acknowledging that introversion and extraversion are simply normal variants of behaviour can help in self-acceptance and understanding of others. Yet, none of us are born to be the person we appear to others nowadays. A person's character is not fixed constant. It simply started as a rough mould at our first awakening or self-consiousness, and gradually fine-tuned over the years.

Often the real winners aren't the ones with only the right talents, but usually the ones with right characters. And thus it just happens such that the latter, which is more important of course, happens to lie in our very hands.

WOW Good Job

2010-02-13T09:17:00.003+08:00

Why should you expect me to be strong enough to face the problem that is yet to come? Why should you create the problem in the first place? What's the point of giving prior warning or whatsoever? Ultimately, perhaps it was just a selfish act to lessen your own guilt (if applicable)
for what you plan to do.

Powerless to prevent the inevitable or stop the atrocity, I stand here, staring blankly at the bleak unknowns of the universe, wishing I know better or know nothing at all.

小星星

2010-02-12T00:20:00.003+08:00

Two is Better Than One

2010-01-28T23:11:00.008+08:00

Compliments and Complaints

2009-12-29T02:01:00.005+08:00

While the general population are GENERALLY slow to compliments and quick to complaints, I have seen an increasing trend of people dishing out compliments shamelessly(self) or carelessly (with probably the least intent and to almost anyone within talking distance).

On the other hand, complaints have almost become stealthed, like a silent bullet put behind the head. You could never fully guess it correctly, they are either too random or.. unimaginable?

Well, welcome to politics, a world of truths - from hidden to misconstrued.

Movie Wishlist

2009-11-27T18:06:00.006+08:00

1. Movie: 风云2
Release: Dec 2009

2. Movie: Avatar
Release: Dec 2009

3. Movie: 花木兰
Release: Out already!

3 Months, and still Sober

2009-11-27T12:23:00.014+08:00

3 months.

Introversion: The Often Forgotten Factor Impacting the Gifted (revised)

2009-09-02T02:30:00.009+08:00

The more powerful and original a mind,
the more it will incline towards the religion of solitude.

Aldous Huxley (1894-1963),
British author.

Solitude, though it may be silent as light, is like light, the mightiest of agencies; for solitude is essential to man. All men come into this world alone and leave it alone.

Thomas de Quincey (1785-1859),
British author and intellectual.

Introduction

There is a special group of talented individuals whose needs are often inadequately addressed. Because of the innate tendency to hide their inner worlds, few people had the chance to fully understand their thoughts, which, in turn, may lead to erroneous decisions about them and their needs. This explains why gregarious attempts to encourage them to mingle with crowds sometimes end up a disaster.

Such is the introvert, a minority in the regular population but a majority in the gifted population. And that difference from the 'norm' is the reason this factor needs to be considered when developing educational programs and parenting strategies for the gifted students whose main focus is in the internal world of ideas and concepts. This is essential, as we will soon cover in later sections, that personality traits do impact many other elements such as perception, learning style, judgement, and sociological preferences.

School and the
Introvert

Once the teacher has identified the introverted student, he/she need to be able to tell if the character trait is dysfunctional, but introverted students don't need to be changed to match other students. If social skills are lacking, teach them.

Instruction for the introvert should differ from that provided for the extravert. Methods should utilize that internal reflective focus and honour the need for structure, quiet, and small groups.
Many of these students like lectures and expository and deductive modes of instruction. Most introverts need wait time, warning about what they are expected to do, activities with minimal noise and stimulation, down time built into the schedule, and moderate amounts of small group work.

These approaches, however, have to be combined with ones appropriate for the extravert who needs high stimulation, movement and activity throughout the classroom, lots of contact with others, and open spaces for working. Most extraverted students prefer open discussions and discovery activities.

We talk frequently about differentiating the curriculum for multiple diverse learners. This means that things such as assignments, grouping patterns, activity levels, assessment options, wait time, and expectations all need to be modified for this special group of students. I am not advocating separate classes but rather an increased awareness of and willingness to work with their different needs.

Home and the Introvert
The home can either be a place of refuge or attack. Typically students see their bedroom as their haven; however it may not be that way depending upon the rest of the family and the general order in the household.

The following are some suggestions to parents and siblings for supporting and protecting introverts:

Provide private space: A private bedroom is nice, but if not possible, at least a private area in the house that can serve that purpose.

Guarantee quiet time: A child who needs to recharge his batteries cannot do it in a loud crazy house.

Model "alone" not "lonely" talk: If the child continually hears that being away from people makes one lonely, it sends a very strong message to them about what they should feel. Most introverts are not lonely when alone and that message needs to be verbally shared modelled.

Protect their right to say "enough": This statement of 'enough' refers to people, activities, and noise. If they are not 'party animals,’ let them slack off after awhile. We don't want them to associate such get-togethers with distress and unhappiness.

Discuss books that feature introverts: Bibliotherapy is an appropriate strategy for home as well as school. Discuss the actions of the characters and their consequences, alternate actions, their feelings, and how your own experiences can relate to the story. It is always so much easier to talk about a character in a book than about oneself, especially for introverts who are even less likely to share such private thoughts and feeling.

Developing Introverts
Many introverts can learn to put on the mask of extraversion when the need arises. This is critical especially for the gifted as they are often called on to perform in front of others or with large groups. Such training can come through practice in public speaking, debate, drama, music, social skills, dance, and mentoring.

Thus, awareness and support are half the battle in protecting gifted introverts from the stigma attached to the character trait. Finding a sense of understanding and empathy in one's family and friends, developing useful strategies and suggestions for making it through a school or work day, and gaining knowledge of why others do what they do helps make the world a more comfortable place for the introvert.

暗恋

2009-08-18T10:23:00.016+08:00

暗恋 - 张智成

四目交接的时候不要停留太久
适可而止的问候关心不能太过
好奇也别去探索妒嫉只能深锁
如果忍不住寂寞也不能对你说

啊好朋友啊我的好朋友
不小心的沉默不想让你太难过

我们就站在落地窗的两边
就算触碰也有了界限
如果跨越过彼此那道边界
是靠近还是更遥远

相信我们走到另一个境界
搭肩高唱友谊万万岁
要是我爱你变成了语言
什么会多一些什么会少一些

就让别人去猜测我们清白的很
就让自己去承受那种清白的闷
就算我只是朋友能不能有要求
如果会发生什么也是我想太多

啊好朋友就只是好朋友
不小心说出口微笑中藏着难过

我们就站在落地窗的两边
就算触碰也有了界限
如果跨越过彼此那道边界
是靠近还是更遥远

你会不会也曾闪过这感觉
一念之间就要差一点
要是我爱你变成了利剑
什么会被消灭什么才会复原
那是我的底线继续将你暗恋

Song preview. Don't bother watching the MV though..

NUA-ed

2009-08-14T14:00:00.004+08:00

word of the day
NUA: Net Unrealized Appreciation

Definition:

(from Investopedia)
The difference in value between the average cost basis of shares and the current market value of the shares held in a tax-deferred account.

(preferred alternate explanation)
The difference in value between too little activity and too much time on hand. A subconscious form of acknowledgement/tribute to the free time you got.

Synonyms:
slack, laze, soft,inactive, feeble, flabby, flaccid, flexible, flimsy, inert, laggard, lax, leisurely, limp, passive, quaggy, quiet, relaxed, sloppy, slow, sluggish, soft, supine, unsteady, weak

Antonyms:
rigid, stiff, taut, tight

Another week slipped past without event as I quietly nua-ed through the same old routine day in and day out. I found it strange that my energy levels seem to have increased over the past years. As I grew older, I found it more and more difficult to enjoy the silence of life. The peace and tranquility away from the noises of backstabbing, betrayal, playacting, prejudice, anger, crazy hours. I seem to have started to take peace for granted. In the marathon spanning the distance of a lifetime, apparently the mental age hasn't caught up with the physical age yet. But I hope that mental age hasn't been running away in the opposite direction!

Well but too much of a good thing is bad. The solitude and freedom I once valued has turned poison. It's slowly killing my passion for life and corrupting my mind. Cause there seems to be a lack of discipline which I assumed will build a wall around my chain of thoughts, limiting and constraining the creativity and what I dare to do. But at the moment, I feel demotivated to push myself to do anything that I don't like. Which includes studying. When was the last time I really mugged? Probably 10 years ago.

But when I wasn't mugging, I still wasn't asleep. Perhaps I had been used to staying awake for long hours, till I found it difficult to fall asleep at 10pm. And I allowed my thoughts to wander. And it's always the silence of the night that evokes the strongest feelings in me. Where I derive my random ideas from. And each time some entangled wires seem to connect properly up there, and causes the light bulb to light up, even if it's only a little flicker.. I get excited.

And I think I should stop faking it. I am not excited nor easily excitable by many tiny whiny external factors. It was just because the circumstances required me to do so. And truly, I need a second boost. Let's try to find that with soccer first. My fitness is horrible. Maybe the drink (which I'm trying hard to abstain from due to potential health concerns) that gives you "wings" can help. But it's just a maybe. It's really all in the mind.. all in the mind...

Flashback

2009-08-02T11:16:00.000+08:00

I'm pretty tired. Slept don't know how many hours. And in my dreams, I had reflected over what happened over the past 20 years. As though I've come face to face with the flashbacks one normally gets when facing death. Unfortunately and fortunately, I had a few of these flashbacks and was still able to write here. I can't remember when was the first, but the earliest remembered was in primary 3. I had the longest fall I could remember in my life. I was playing soccer, and I was tripped and fell backward. It seemed as though time had paused for a full minute and my body was perpetually suspended in midair, horizontally. I can't remember what came to my mind at that moment. I only know I fell back, real hard.

There were a few accidents I encountered. One other vivid one was not too long ago in year 2006 I think. I was literally thrown off my bike after a collision with an oncoming car. And again flashbacks came to me. I was lucky to escape with minor injuries, and the fall shook me up, as physical pain took over emotional pain. I was undergoing a tough period of my life then. Still trying to come to terms with a bad breakup coupled with a few other personal issues.

Just yesterday, a visibly unfit me, struggled to play in a match yesterday. I didn't know why I went in for the challenge, but I still went in and only at the last moment I realised that I had to retract my boots or I'll hit the keeper's head. I was mentally and physically drained by too many things, which happened to occur at the same period of time. I saved a potential head injury but couldn't save my own skin. I was kicked hard in the gut in the collision. Breathless for sometime and it pained to breathe. I lay there for a moment and the keeper's swearing and everything else seemed to fade away.

I was sure I whited out for a moment. Later on, I was criticised for committing a dangerous act by my own teammates. To them, it was stupid and unneccessary. To me, it was a 50-50 chance. We were already down 2-0 at that moment. And desperation clouded my judgement. And more than once the opponent came over to ask for my well-being. I, again, escaped with only a bruise and my ribs did not suffer the same injury I got before.

I am somewhat consoled and convinced that my teammates scolded me for my own good. And the opponents were friendly enough.

But this incident and other flashbacks, I'm pretty much neglected for all the efforts I put in. I can give my 101% and still not being recognised. To some, it was more of a being taken for granted thing. It was not easy to be unselfish. And I began to wonder, given the high frequency of flashbacks I get, when would the last one come? It's a taboo to talk about it especially now. But all these while, I've been living for others. And playing the quiet supportive role that I've always been. Maybe it's the image I projected for myself. No one takes me seriously. Even when I'm doing my best, no one knows.

I know my own values and I am strictly bounded to them. It's a matter of self-pride. I have more than once, compromised them to help satisfy others but making myself unhappy in the process. And I have my self-interests too. I know of many who put this first before everything else. But for now, I prolly keep it at 2nd place. Even if no one remembers me after everything, I just want to be proud of myself.

Boredom

2009-07-30T15:40:00.001+08:00

first published: 13/12/07 at xaxarulz.blogspot.com

"Boredom: the desire for desire."
~Leo Tolstoy

"Yet it is in our idleness, in our dreams, that the submerged truth sometimes comes to the top."
~Virginia Woolf

So, boredom, as we are told, like happiness or interest, can never be fixed directly by the naked eye - let alone pursued as an end, or conceptualized - but only experienced laterally, or as the by-product of something else. When taken as an end in its own right, boredom ceases to be that and imperceptibly transforms itself into something else.. So no boredom's in its own right, only boring activities, or something like a fading effect of boredom after the fact.

In other words, commenting on boredom is actually an escape from boredom, and that persistent boredom stops being boring because it is transformed into pain.

Boredom pursues us: like the celebrated inevitabilities of death and the many types of taxes, no matter how we try to evade it, it'll come along soon enough. And in order to be bored, we require thought, or self-consciousness, and thought is pain. And indeed, what is terrible is to have thought. So boredom inevitably entails pain. The question is whether pain is different from boredom, and if it takes us away from monotony into the realm of intensity.

Then is pain boring? We tend to think of pain as a sharp jolt or a sudden intense experience. Yet at other instances, pain can be chronic, dull, and tedious - as well as being boring to talk about.

And if pain can be boring, can't boredom be painful, or at least bring about intense emotions? In this case, boredom is being defined as a form of discomfort or dissatisfaction with the eversame. Conversely there is also boredom without one being aware of it. You are unwittingly trapped in monotony, and thus boredom becomes the enemy of thought. So, are boredom and pain antonyms or synonyms? Is boredom a feeling or an escape from feeling?

We've talked a lot about boredom as a response to the commonplace, the familiar, and the everyday. But we also get bored when faced with things that perplex us, and with material that is so unfamiliar it is hard to understand. Perhaps the reason why I never fail to fall asleep in lectures and tutorials and at times at my workplace, could most likely be accredited to boredom caused by perplexity rather than familiarity.

We have the most telling reason of all for boredom's elusiveness : it begins in stasis, inertia, and the tepid, yet the very continuation of these things, the very persistence of the eversame, is what drives the bored to suffering, to groans and howls, to a condition like pain - a pain of mind rather than body, maybe, save that we can hardly be sure of the division between those realms, nothing is less certain. The project of boredom, pursued through stasis and calm, is impossible because boredom undoes itself, turns itself into something violent and unendurable, and throws up throes of its own.

In this world of minute change and precise doubt, it is unsurprising that even boredom could be brittle. As though it were on the point of flickering out like a dead star, the delayed news of boredom's violent end has just reached us.

S.I.A.N.

2009-07-22T14:32:00.007+08:00

Sian seems to have become my best friend nowadays. Whenever I think of the debt I had to repay after graduation (don't know when), I feel sian. Whenever I felt being taken for granted, I feel sian. Whenever I get pounded for things I can't control, I feel sian. Whenever I see my tutorials, I feel sian. Whenever I see my own depreciating grades, I feel more sian. Whenever someone come to me saying he/she is sian, I feel sian together. Whenever people seem to display signs that they don't like me, I feel sian (who likes to be unliked?). So whenever I feel small, whenever I've reached my limits, I feel sian. And when I see your updates and start to think of you, I also feel sian for 5 minutes.

So in my occasional crazy bouts, I randomly talked to the canteen lady one fine day, that I feel so sian. She then replied, "不要那么咸是吗？加点水咯!" (If you like it less salty, dilute it with water!) with a toothy (golden) grin. And I smiled back in appreciation. I duly took a big gulp of water. Closed my eyes. Stretched my aching back. Let my mind go blank for a moment.

And when I reopened my eyes, I can't find my best friend anymore. He's probably paying a visit to someone else already. It's 22 July, I missed the eclipse and it's midweek. So what? I smiled and went back to my daily routines. The world continues to revolve day in and day out, no matter how I look it, and with or without me.

Purpose with living is living with purpose. Why waste it with sian-ness? So my current purpose in living now is to find a purpose in living. Thus I choose to de-sian-tize myself and go back to fb-ing.

左邊

2009-07-21T16:42:00.000+08:00

我知道 by BY2

2009-07-20T17:33:00.003+08:00

miko, my new crush..
p.s. don't tell hebe k.. haha..

My Sister's Keeper

2009-07-17T12:08:00.000+08:00

Love has all the lasting permanence of a rainbow - beautiful while it's there, and just as likely to have disappeared by the time you blink."

~ Jodi Picoult

Currently..

2009-07-17T10:36:00.008+08:00

While Mr. Yim has a hundred and one issues to discuss with me at the moment, I am taking time off for myself to do a self-check on the vehicle.

Returned not long ago from servicing at MAJU, when the car first failed the emission test. General repairs had to be done on the automobile, so they helped unchoke the exhaust, replaced some bolts at filmsy joints. But the main difference made was at the engine. I have no idea when I last maintained the vehicle but it seems that the engine oil hasn't been changed for sometime, engine's overheated too many times, and spark plugs, air filter, timing belt all needed to be changed.

And then I decided to drive the repaired vehicle out yesterday. Engine is working fine, less choking and noise but the main body is still in a little bad shape, with a few glitches to fix. I probably crashed it too many times. And since I'm a budding mechanic, I don't really have to outsource the job to garages like California Fitness or New York Skin Solutions right? I should be able to fix them up myself.

A quick check on the main body found minor dings, dents, dimples and bulges to the exterior which may cost thousands to repair at the garage. It may not be necessary to fix them, since its the interior that matters. However, leaving even minor surface damage unfixed not only decreases its value, but also leads to rust and early wear on the body.

WHAT CAN BE REPAIRED

Almost all body damage can be repaired, given the right tools are at hand.

SMALL BULGES, meaning those which measure less than 5-inches, can easily be repaired at home with a few tools. Regular cardiovascular exercise and some abdominal exercises will do just fine.

DIMPLES AND SMALL DENTS, or those which are 3-5 mm in diameter can also usually be repaired without visiting a specialist. You'll undoubtedly need to take lots of water and fruits and a few hours of your undivided attention everyday to clean the surface area. The healing should take place in a few weeks or even days.

And of course, regular maintanence of the engine is needed and I'll probably have to take the car for another spin soon.

Where's The Happiness?

2009-07-10T11:28:00.022+08:00

by xAxA, just a nobody.

Your replies came in nonsensical waves,
So unfathomable that I couldn't reach a single octave
You had my mind bound and fettered
Leaving all previous sweetness scattered.

There's a mysterious tugging of my emotions
I can't tell if love's still in motion.
But you continued singing in my face
As though nothing ever took place.

Time passed and left love with no right,
Your memories turned cold after I've cried
Sometimes love can only turn out this way
Cause nobody promised it will never sway.

What happened, I never knew.
So where is the happiness I'm supposed to feel?
Love has weakened,
And my dreams have drifted.

I understood,
You need not say a word
You're tired, so am I.
And we've become once more you and I.

No matter what I'm singing now,
Others only hear the sound.
Those feelings of loving were way too deep,
Which linger on still after I go to sleep.

I know you're not waiting anymore,
But where was the happiness from before?
No one but you understand how it feels
So perhaps it's time to keep old memories back in lieu.

Must you?

2009-07-09T00:08:00.008+08:00

Must you feel pain before you start not to take your well-being for granted?
Must you fail, before you know to define success?
Must you be punished, before you know what's wrong?
Must there be rain, for you to appreciate sunlight?
Must you lose something (or run the risk), before you learn to cherish?
Must there be distance, to value closeness?
Must there be a past, for here to have a present?
Must you compare results, to think you really did well?
Must she hurt you badly, for you to know if she's the one?
Must there be more tears, for you to appreciate the smiles?
Must the complicated issues cause anxiety, for you to yearn for the simple pleasures of life?
Must there be war, for you celebrate peace?
Must you go through poverty first, to appreiate your wealth?
Must you get bitten by a snake first, before you know it's dangerous?
Must you seek consolation, only in the worse-off?
Must there be losers, to determine winners?
If the above text had been black, would you ever see them?

Must there be more, so you will cherish the less?
Must you go through more bad experiences, to learn to cherish the little good times you had?
Must you learn only through comparisons?

The many random questions generated in my mind during the last few days of interaction with friends.. especially 2 particular comments that I could still remember.."I would like to know how it feels like to break a bone!" and "You must have loved the person who hurts you the most." Random enough, and which caused the wires in my head to trip and entangle. My perfectionistic (or pessimistic?) nature often thought everything is so imperfect, not to my liking. LOL, then let's start blaming bad luck and everything. Assuming that there is no superstition involved, let's just hypnotise ourselves that every consequence is a perfect reaction to the action you take. So the world is a perfect one after all. PERFECTO!

SO what defines good? There must be a bad for a contrast isn't it? Life, as with your colour settings, is almost about the same isn't it? Set the proper contrast for a more colourful and beautiful image. Set a low enough contrast, you probably just see a dull monotonous one.

I have also taken into personal account the euphoria of finally passing IPPT after failing it once. I was never content with silver until my injury because there's always gold which is not always reachable. It took away my self-confidence after failing it for the first time. I was robbed of what I believed I can be.

Setting limits. Even passing (to avoid compulsory RT) could satisfy me for now. Slowly I looked at the other aspects of my life. I am greedy. That's why I'm always uncontent. Right now, I guess I'm still running around ok, except with aches here and there. I hope I am not too dissatisfied if I can't get near to my previous fitness levels after trying hard.

There's also other problems. The "grass-is-always-greener-on-the-other-side" feeling is coming again. To make a contrast/comparison to explain why aiming too high can be a problem..

Potentially negative thinking: "What I want is what I don't have and others have."
Suggested correction: "What I want is what I have."

It's not that I didn't manage to reach my goals. They shouldn't be my goals in the first place. I can't be this and that at the same time and still be good. There's only one me. I guess I have to specialise after all.

他和她

2009-07-08T22:44:00.005+08:00

他。。
好像在逃避。。
可是逃避着什么？
是痛苦的回忆？
还是现实的未来？

她。。
不知所踪。。
仿佛困惑在迷宫中
是在寻找什么吗？
还是一样在逃避？

..未待续

Smile

2009-07-05T23:20:00.003+08:00

I really think a tiny smile goes a long long way. Showing a sincere appreciation for an act of kind gesture really makes another's day. It's doesn't take too much effort to smile, yet it makes the remainder of my bus journey pleasant. If we are talking from the business perspective, isn't it a matter of "minimum input, maximum results"? So let's start smiling, from this moment.

转机

2009-06-21T10:33:00.005+08:00

我放不过我自己，转一圈又回到了原地。
眼泪提醒了我，其实我还在期待着转机。

An Ode To My Tiredness

2009-06-17T22:53:00.009+08:00

An Ode To My Tiredness
xAxA

For a long time I have struggled with my tiredness.
I longed and fantasized of the moment of revitalization.
I rebelled against the time I was spending in this tired state.
I felt that I was merely wasting time,
Simply going through the motions of living.

Slowly I began to realise that tiredness has different textures.

There is the blurred tiredness,
When I move and act automatically,
But am somehow unable to make decisions,
Beyond the next second, the next minute, the next hour, the next day.

Then there is the intense bodily tiredness
When I feel like I am engulfed in quicksand,
I can hardly walk, bend down, get up, move an arm
Without exerting much of my remaining strength

Then the numbing tiredness when I can't feel anything.
Not happy, sad, excited, upset, guilty or encouraged.
But there are times I suddenly feel everything at once.
Sad and happy and angry and scared and laughing and crying.

So, I have no choice but to learn to accept
The strange and unexpected gifts gained
Through understanding tiredness
During this intense period in my life

The Observer

2009-06-16T01:07:00.006+08:00

one who observes as:
a: a representative sent to observe but not participate officially in an activity (as a meeting or war)
b: an ~~expert~~ analyst and commentator in a particular field

Sometimes I look at how clearly I see the other observers/poseurs in action. And it dawned on me that it should be damn pretty obvious when I am the observed myself.

But so far I have been doing it in a more "handsome" way. Looking at reflections, into the subject's eyes, and no more than 2 seconds, showing no malice or ill thoughts or nervousness/excitedness, however I may think inside. I supposed not all subjects enjoyed the observation process so I do act discreetly whenever humanely possible. It is a form of respect for the subject. Yes they don't mind you seeing/ogling/watching/drooling over their perfect/almost perfect physical forms, but just don't appear desperate/overly interested.

In fact it is a form of disrespect by not looking if the subject is definitely worth the 2 seconds. To the subject concerned and to yourself. You are born with this natural ability to observe the best forms of beauty. Why control the urge to do so?

Who doesn't like to see beauty in its natural form? And one that is partially visible to the naked eye. We love to look. And we bestow the highest honour on the subject that capture our attention for more than 1 minute. We display the purest of respect and admiration for subjects having such gifts and the efforts spent in maintaining these gifts. And we thank these subjects for generously sharing with us these gifts by admiring (not ogling) in return.

Compared to the poseurs who continually spoil our reputation, I wish to clarify that the original observers belong to a totally different category. We are not to be despised. In fact, we are the noblest group bringing your attention to beauty that lies otherwise hidden. We see, we share and we bask in the glory of the sight. As for me, I continually observe the observers so as to derive a better understanding of the art of observation. To better serve the subjects and upkeep the image of the original observers.

Signed off,
The President,
Observer for the Observers

Flower-Gazing Club
"Beauty in the eye of the beholder"

Fantasies Unwind

2009-06-13T08:49:00.001+08:00

Fantasies Unwind
xAxA

Darkness awakes,
And my heart goes to sleep
I need to cry
But my eyes are dry
And I find myself wide awake

Dreams shatter,
Time for bread and butter
Strength for the weary
And hope for the times I can’t see
All for the burden I must carry

A Special Weekend @ Wyeth Show

2009-06-09T23:12:00.003+08:00

A weekend spent at this show changed my mindset almost 170 degrees. I wasn't so prejudiced to begin with. It started with the negative thinking/mindset about kids. And I must say part of it was induced/programmed into me. I used to think children must be such a bother, since I grew up thinking Pa must have hated me when I was younger and Ma didn't like me better than the rest of her brood. And that being childish was a crime in the family.

Of course, eventually, the thinking became a myth. Surely they can't hate me as much as I thought right? I wasn't exactly cute but I'm not that hateful I suppose. I'm just not tactful enough.

But the main issue is not guessing the reason why I'm not as well-liked as I wished I were. Or about the amount of attention I hoped I could garner. Through this growing up process of being forced to break away from the comfort zone, although I resisted it, I do get influenced somehow along the way. Would I, one day, treat my children as a burden? Why don't I simply sponsor a child, then to bring one more life to make him/her and myself suffer? To be honest, I had this kind of thinking before. And a community involvement programme with hyperactive/problematic kids eons ago helped cement the kind of mindset I kept for years.

But the laughter and cries I heard.. it's as though these little voices are waking me up from this painful delusion I had. Life isn't as ugly as it seems. I may not have enjoyed my childhood, but it doesn't necessarily mean my children (if I had any) would go through the same experience.
Sometimes it really is just a matter of perspective, not the circumstances.

In short, I guess I'm not so against children afterall. And somehow, I find them more likeable than bothersome. I wasn't at a total loss when I handled these crying or mischevious kids. I used to want to heal broken hearts. But the weekend spent bringing both laughter and tears to kids seemed equally fulfilling too. Either way, I guess I would like it.

六月的降临

2009-06-06T00:39:00.001+08:00

六月一日。晴.

今天，晴天。

好像将会是另一个无趣的一天。
忙了一整天，答应要去露脸，可是却忘了。
我的记忆力，好像更自己的体能一样，
随着岁月的流逝而每况愈下。
和友人的巧遇，让我感到有些欣慰

我不知道为什么,
也不知道什么时候
嫉妒心最近一直更在身旁
听到别人的成就,
我会不直觉在暗地里羡慕
甚至觉得其实若非情况所逼
我或许也能做到, 但自卑心也随后驾到
我又问自己, 凭什么?

我好想回到一个人,
不要和别人比较.
不想懂, 也不想看清楚人的丑
只要知足和快乐

可是社会不让
朋友不让
兄弟不让
就连父母也不让

我, 被现实卷进了混乱的状况
被自己的自卑夺走了知足
被自己的情感玩弄, 被你而迷惑

我控制自己, 我压韵着情绪
可是还是无法忘记
那被雨淋湿的经历

为什么脆弱的时候想你更多
我们不可能, 我却思念你
我想我就是在乎你
顿时间, 好像其他事情已经不重要了.

I Can Hardly Open my Eyes

2009-06-06T00:06:00.005+08:00

I can hardly open my eyes
xAxA

I can hardly open my eyes
Yet my mind saw through all these lies
I can hardly open my mouth
Yet my heart's screaming aloud

I can hardly think of a logical sequence
And my mind can't make sense of anything
Yet I could vividly recount
The day when we TANGo-ed in the rain

My logic and conscience told me to stop
Yet I could only go on thinking about you

I thought of the days of laughter
And of the days when we cried together
I'm going off to bed
And I know I will soon dream about you.

So, this is for you,
My companion, my guardian angel
and the one brand I will never stop trusting,
My B.U.R.P.

Random

2009-05-24T01:04:00.004+08:00

In this stupid race, all they care is who's in front. No one ever asked who worked harder. And sometimes, it makes living on.. a chore.

What If She Just Wanna Be A Friend?

2009-05-18T22:48:00.004+08:00

I don't know if the following information is still relevant since it's kinda sometime ago since I first published it but for some of my friends, I thought this might be of interest.

What If She Says, "Let's just be Friends"? - 26/02/07

Probably every man (at least once in their lifetime) can identify himself in a similar scenario
with the following (or similar) sequence:

1) Meet girl.

2) Get along well with girl.

3) Feel attracted to girl and think/hope/delude yourself that it's mutual.

4) Tell girl finally that you like her (after you think you've got the balls, haha.. ok I'll try to kick the bad habit of being crude.. in this sense after you think the BALL is in your court.)

5) Her famous disappearing acts.

6) Call girl infinite times, but still no response.

7) Finally she turns up and says, "I only like
you as a friend and sorry".

From my perspective, there are probably a few main
issues going on here all at once...

1) Women are complex and often illogical (so are
men, but in different ways).

2) Women are attracted to men for reasons that
most men either don't know, don't understand,
or won't accept.

3) The way that women communicate isn't always as
"direct and straightforward" as most of us guys
would like (or claim).

1) Women are complex and often illogical (so are men, but in different ways):

Women act on emotion and intuition more than men. They don't do the "logical" thing as often as
men.

They can walk into Starbucks and order a "fat free" cafe mocha and then get whipped cream on top. No kidding. I see it sometimes...

They can go through a full wardrobe of clothing trying to choose something to wear to the nearby shopping mall, then conclude that "there's nothing to wear in here"...

Again, men have their own bizarre behaviors too but in my experience women are usually not very rational about everyday stuff and when it comes to BGR, wow.. it gets..

I don't remember who told me this. But is this true? "Men are perfectly logical. They want to have sex with anything that turns them on. Women aren't. They want to have sex with men who DON'T want to have sex with them."

The moral of the story is to think out of the box. Instead of lamenting how things should be, why not think of why things are the way they are. In relationships, reality is a more trustworthy tool than logic.

2) Women are attracted to men for reasons that most men either don't know, don't understand, or won't accept:

I like to say, "Attraction Isn't A Choice".

We don't think about who we'd like to feel attraction for, it just happens on its own in
most cases.

But the thing to remember is that infatuation has a pattern. It's like a combination lock or a
puzzle. You are not going to get it if you do it purely by trial and error without a clue what the password could be. And the reason for this again -- is because IT'S NOT LOGICAL.

While men are generally attracted to appearances, women are attracted by character traits.

Women generally aren't attracted to men who get too mushy and emotional all too quickly. There's no mystery or challenge when you fall in love immediately. It's the same when a RPG game gets too straightforward and easy for the gamer. You lose interest in it instantly.
When you call a million times a day, it's only going to get worse. You gotta lean back and give her the space you would expect from her too. But of course, always remember to do everything in moderation...

3) The way that women communicate isn't always as "direct and straightforward" as most of us guys would like:

If a woman wants to tell you that she isn't interested in you in a romantic way, she'll often
NOT tell you as her way of telling you. In other words, she might just disappear for awhile. Or she might not return calls quickly. Or she might talk about other guys with you...

Once again, put the concept of pure, rational logic out of your mind when it
comes to the world of attraction.

Women are subtle. They read into things and try to tell you things indirectly. Women don't
generally take what you say at face value. They want to know what everything REALLY means.

If you meet a girl and after the first date you say "I really like you, you're beautiful and I
have feelings for you" they think you said "I'm just a dumbass because I fall in love too quickly".

On the other hand, if you say "Good night, call me if you feel like chatting." she'll think you said "If you want to talk to me again you're going to have to call me".

Unfortunately, once a woman has "made up her mind" about a guy, she's usually adamant about it. Therefore, first impressions do count.

If you ever get into a situation when the woman shows the red light, there's no need to wait for the green light as you logically do on the roads. Steer away, veer right and left into another lane, dude. If you disappear from her life, then turn up a month or two later...

And if you go to the extreme by dating a few other attractive women (for real or for show)... she might see you in a new light. Jealousy is always a powerful tool to use with women. She might be thinking, "Is there something that I've overlooked in this guy?" Perhaps by this time not only she would be showing the green light, she may even be the one confessing to you instead. Haha.. Take a peek into a classic date movie "Shallow Hal" and you'll definitely get the joke. Ok this paragraph is just for laughs, just get the main point I'm trying to highlight. haha..

Point: Don't try too hard to undo any screw-ups. Just get on with your life and quit obsessing over her, she doesn't like guys who are so wooshy.

The most important thing is to learn the pattern of attraction! You need to learn this game so you know what's happening in future situations... and, most importantly, you know what to do to make women feel attracted to you from the beginning.

As you know, some of my favorite ways to do this are by being cocky and funny, teasing women, busting on them in a particular way, playing hard to get, etc. But I didn't do all these all purpose. It just comes as a bad habit. So in the end, all I can say is, just be yourself and be cool about it.

So whatever it is, I wish guys luck when it comes to dating gals they are attracted to. Cheers.

Life's a Maze; Love's a Riddle

2009-05-18T00:40:00.004+08:00

If life is but a maze;
And love's just a riddle,
You would have been my way out,
If I were your answer.

~xAxA

Canon In D Breakdance

2009-03-31T01:14:00.000+08:00

part 1

part 2

Who's Lovin' You?

2009-03-28T02:49:00.002+08:00

Probably a new excuse for me to adore people who harmonize so well...

音乐笔记II 之...

2009-03-25T00:29:00.019+08:00

雨天录
沙沙

雨天。

好像又是想念的季节。

下着雨，城市里似乎充满着一样的回忆。

灰蒙蒙的天空，借着微微的雨点，将一丝丝的思念，嘀嗒嘀嗒地写在窗边。

不经意想起，还以为早已忘记，曾经与你约定。

真的不敢相信，那一刻我们真的动了心，也不曾怀疑当时的决定...

雨天，
难忘的昨天..

突然间一场阵雨，仿佛就下在心里。

空气里透视着沉重的心情，又想起这雨季呼吸着相同的空气。

突然间倾盆大雨，突然想封密这回忆。

我们又回到了原点，让雨水冲淡这雨天的心情。

Random Survey

2009-02-28T02:25:00.003+08:00

Did this for fun. Compare this to what you think of me. Hahaha..

http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success:

You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.

Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

Recovery

2009-02-24T22:58:00.004+08:00

While the underlying issues remain constant, and a few catalysts threatened to magnify what I've barely endured, the sun, the sea, the breeze, the sand and the rain helped clear the rainclouds in my throbbing mind and it ceased wandering too far away.

Logic returns. Fantasies unwind. I wake up from a terrible nightmare, abeit half-asleep.

The waves come dashing, the winds come knocking and night goes back to day. The cycle returns, and its time to move on from the despondent hours.

The head's not so hurting. But the body's somewhat battered. Fighting back fatigue and sores and aches. The heart survived the waves of pain and spasm. Against the storms that rage within.

I am renewed, though slightly.

And for a minute, I laughed wholeheartedly, and genuinely.

Stopped whatever I am doing now. Took a deep and long breath. And I thought and rejoiced at the fact that I'm still alive. Come to think of it. No matter how bad it can be, I can't be the worst of the lot right? And the negative feelings become not so bad afterall.

Killing Me Slowly

2009-02-23T14:09:00.006+08:00

Time and again, I have been disappointed with the people around me. I really didn't mind going out of the way at times to help them, and when I do ask for help, I always get the same responses or worse no responses. Perhaps I asked for too much? Or people are just plain selfish. And since a long time ago, I've learnt to be independant and not think about how others can help. I have been having a mentality of "What I want, I will get it myself.." for 20years.

Lately, I wanted to embrace the idea of teamwork. And forming a team has been difficult. Yet, with my "do it myself" attitude, I had been happy with the results. As I slowly delegated the tasks to a few trusted surbodinates I began to see better results. And I am pleased with my initial judgement.

But lately, I had been hit with too many difficulties. The idea of interdependance have started to destabilise. I have perhaps chosen the wrong people. One rotten apple can bring down the entire tree, I guess.

I could fully understand (or partially) certain issues, yet I could not say, "Hey my workload is more than you. Why can I finish this but you can't?" It all boils down to the attitude and the person's priorities and values. I never believed that I am more capable than the others, but they seemed to want me to think this way so that I can do everything myself. Many a time, I drfited away from my original focus on studies just to do a favour to someone, or to finish up a job I assigned and they can't finish.

And a few instances did make me rethink my stand about being independant. I am thankful to friends who helped me unselfishly, like lending a phone when I dropped mine in the bus, lending me his room for one night when I desperately looked for one, inviting me to a concert when I'm feeling very stressed.. etc.. Sorry if I didn't mention all the help I get from friends.

Yet, nowadays, I can't seem to communicate my ideas properly. I'm overworked, overstressed and underslept according to the doctor. The pills that I take are beginning to lose their effect. And silently I cried for help, still no guardian angel came down yet from the heavens yet.

I may have been stretched to my limits. Too many issues at hand. My dad just told me things that confirmed his future intentions. My surbodinates are beginning to revolt. My teammates continued to stick to their own ideals and agenda. All around me, I began to see things others may not have seen. And I hate what I saw.

Another recent event that upsetted me was on Saturday. A grand theft was performed and although with sheer luck my stuff were not touched, I felt almost the same anguish as those affected. It is not the first time I felt the pain through others. I usually needed 2 hours to recover from talking a person out of depression or worse suicide. It's killing me. The pains of my family. Pains of my own and others. How I perceive. It's the pains of growing up in an ugly world.
We are a city of individuals. There are of course many exceptions I can list out. There are people who cared for one another. The human touch is still around. But why is it not happening to me?

I will recover no doubt about it. But I cannot but remain skeptical, it's the only way to prevent myself from getting too disappointed. It's about managing expectations. If I expected less and been given more, I would be more satisfied. In other words, do it myself if possible is better. I can't even rely on my own family at the moment. Because the burden is passed to me and it is relying on me now.

Let this be a message to all. I shall remain unchanged in my view. Skeptism is a protection against expectations. Because expectations breed disappointments. Turn to me for help as always and have no worries. Offer me your help if you sincerely mean it, not just a polite gesture. For the time being, let me remain depressed and hopefully I will come round it soon. It is afterall a path I chose to lead, even if I had no choice to begin with.

The Science Of The Human Language

2009-02-21T23:42:00.003+08:00

Original publish date: 15/01/08 20:42

*Republished for Ms Tang. Read the "Nothing" part. haha..

Introduction

It's interesting to know how people differ from each other in communication. How people are using 'silent language' and their own 'personal space' and how motion precedes emotion. Up to 90% of all of our communication is nonverbal. The direct actions of the human nervous system are usually subconscious, instinctively meaningful and more honest than verbal communication. Bodies do not lie.

The 'subliminal' messages of the body are playing a major role in how we relate to others and how they see us. Our bodies are the most public signals of our identities, and private reminders of who we are. We imagine by remembering, or vice versa. In the ritual quality of interpersonal actions there is a hidden code of behavioural patterns, through which hierarchical and social power structures emerge. The body language sequences of the human figure in motion, are a display of our motivation in the flow of time.

Here, we are in the study of visualising and discovering time patterns of interpersonal behaviour. The revealed moments are giving an insight in the instinctive feelings, attitudes, expressions, gestures and emotions of human communication.

Women's Vocabulary

Pardon me. I wasn't looking to write a thesis theory on defining women. But sometimes it's about sharing some points of view I had, when dealing with this species. The common woman isn't too hard to understand, if you put in some effort to do so. But even if she leaves you confused and exasperated. Do not panic yet. It's perfectly normal!

FIVE MINUTES -- Scientific studies on random female groups have estimated that this actually means approximately 32 minutes and 17 seconds. It is almost equivalent to the five minutes you take to finish watching a soccer game before calling her back (approximate actual timing: 31 minutes 2 seconds), so it's an even trade.

FINE -- The ultimate word the woman uses when she feels she's right and you should shut your trap. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

NOTHING -- You should be on your toes. It's not really nothing. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you upside down and inside out. "Nothing" usually is the start of an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows!) -- Don't "Go Ahead" as she says! This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" before uttering "Fine" and ignoring you for at least 2 weeks.

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows) -- This means 'I give up' or 'do what you want because I don't care.' A milder version compared to "Go Ahead (With Raised Eyebrows)" because she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off, that is if you are still hanging around.

LOUD SIGH -- This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" can mean that she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

SOFT SIGH -- Again, another non-verbal statement. "Soft Sigh" can mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY -- This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine". You better watch your back for the next few months!

PLEASE DO -- This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

THANKS or THANKS THANKS-- A woman is thanking you. Just say you're welcome in the most gracious way you can.

THANKS A LOT -- This is much different from "Thanks." When a woman says, "Thanks A Lot", she's really pissed at you. You could have offended her in your usual careless ways, and this is usually followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," because she will only tell you "Nothing."

Men's Rules

Well, after talking about the womenfolks, we should be explaining more about ourselves! It's so easy to understand the common guy because he means what he says. There's no hidden meaning behind every single word and twitching of the eye.

1. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just goddamn say it!

2. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

3. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

4. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

5. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

6. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

7. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic and has nothing to do with our character.

8. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

9. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

10. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

11. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. Everytime. Anywhere too.

12. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

13. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing", we will act like nothing's wrong. We know it's not the case, but sometimes it just isn't worth the hassle.

14. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss topics such as soccer, cars, or sex.

15. Men use toilets for biological reasons. Women use them as social lounges. Men in toilets hardly speak a word to each other. Women who've never met before leave a restroom giggling together like old friends.

~xAxA

All Day Long

2009-02-15T20:19:00.003+08:00

Every day I ask myself
What went wrong with my life?
And I would always say,
"Nothing's wrong, it's just that everything's not right."

So I asked myself,
"Am I asking for too much?"
Was it that I expected too much,
And got disappointed too often thus?

So all day long,
The hours spent proscrastinating
Of how things could have been
And never ever realising it's a vicious cycle

What's passed is past
But what's not here yet is up to us
I wish in the end I would have a good laugh
After completing this impossible task.

Love's Creed

2009-02-14T22:00:00.005+08:00

Nature's Pairing
xAxA

The streams mingle with the river
And the rivers with the ocean.
The winds of heaven mix forever
With such beautiful devotion

Nothing is born and remains single,
All things by nature's law define
In one spirit meet and mingle
So why not I with thine?

I see the mountains kiss the heavens,
And the waves embrace one another
Works of nature loosely woven
In a single entity like no other.

And then sunlight embraces the earth,
And moonbeams kiss the sea;
But what are all these kisses worth,
If thou kisses not me?

Love's A Singularity
xAxA

This day of love seeks a companion,
But I find myself all alone at this instant.
Words of sweet affection fill my mind
And it feels as though you were by my side

I don't know why there hasn't been a new someone
I've loved and been loved through the restless years.
The mystery of love I hold deep within me
Is like a darkness unrelieved by the stars.

Then what is this kind of love,
That transcends the comfort of a kiss?
Love, perhaps, need not be a passion or a fever,
Or a hand for its caress.

Love, certainly doesn't seem to require a companion,
Or an object or a home.
It simply flies above the ecstasy of the morning
And fills the universe inside my little space.

突然好想你

2009-01-10T00:55:00.003+08:00

TIRED

2009-01-09T01:09:00.011+08:00

A tired body with a tired mind;
A time when I return a quiet guy..

I'm tired of being misunderstood.
Cast aside like a second-hand good
Such a mired state is the mood
When nobody really cared a hoot

I’m tired of being ill,
For days I haven't slept my fill
My listlessness is starting to kill
And I'm slowly losing my will

I’m tired of trying to make things right,
Such biting and gnawing is the blight
I don't have to remember this slight
I no longer want to fight.

I’m tired of seeing others in pain,
Like rats that ravin down their proper bane,
Whatever my nature seeks in vain,
It's really driving me insane.

I’m tired with my tears all awry,
I need to cry,
My eyes are dry
But I never got a second try

I’m tired because I can’t feel,
Seriously falling is no big deal
But why won't my wounds fully heal?
This really can’t be real.

I’m tired of being “strong,”
It's gone on for way too long.
Seeing everything so bloody wrong
I can only write a pathetic song

In other words,
I'm tired of being tired.

~xAxA

Yuki no Hana

2008-12-28T09:45:00.000+08:00

Extraversion - What Causes It?

2008-12-20T00:02:00.000+08:00

It was originally suggested that what defines extraversion was a combination of two major tendencies, impulsiveness and sociability. But the definition soon included more traits, namely, liveliness, activity level, and excitability.

Yet, why are people so different from one another? There is an easy way of explaining it (in fact, it's a universal answer for all the unexplained phenomena we observe. But if we look at the topic from a more scientific approach, how do we explain the different traits in people?

Nature versus nurture

The relative importance of nature versus environment in determining the level of extraversion is controversial. Twin studies find a genetic component of 39% to 58%. In terms of the environmental component, the shared family environment appears to be far less important than individual environmental factors that are not shared between siblings.

Brain differences

It was proposed that extraversion was caused by variability in cortical arousal. He hypothesized that introverts are characterized by higher levels of activity than extroverts and so are chronically more cortically aroused than extroverts.

The fact that extroverts require more external stimulation than introverts has been interpreted as evidence for this hypothesis. Other evidence of the "stimulation" hypothesis is that introverts salivate more than extroverts in response to a drop of lemon juice.

Extraversion has been linked to higher sensitivity of the mesolimbic dopamine system to potentially rewarding stimuli. This in part explains the high levels of positive affect found in extroverts, since they will more intensely feel the excitement of a potential reward. One consequence of this is that extroverts can more easily learn the contingencies for positive reinforcement, since the reward itself is experienced as greater.

One study found that introverts have more blood flow in the frontal lobes of their brain and the anterior or frontal thalamus, which are areas dealing with internal processing, such as planning and problem solving. Extroverts have more blood flow in the anterior cingulate gyrus, temporal lobes, and posterior thalamus, which are involved in sensory and emotional experience.

This study and other research seem to suggest that introversion-extraversion is actually related to individual differences in brain function. By far, this has been the more widely accepted hypothesis at the moment.

Born 2 Luv U

2008-12-17T00:21:00.002+08:00

Melody loves M-Flo

lyrics

Tribute to The Nice Girls

2008-12-12T00:00:00.026+08:00

followup to "Tribute to Nice Guys"

Part 1

This is for the nice girls who are being looked past;
Who become friends and nothing more
And for the girls who spend hours
Fixating upon their looks, personality and actions
Because there’s probably “something wrong”

This is for the girls who have never been in love,
But have accepted that they aren't perfect,
And neither are the guys that they are interested in.
This is a homage paid to the same nice girls,
Who have left sad song lyrics in their MSN nicks,
Who have tried time and again to drop their dumb male friends a sublime hint
Only to watch them chase after the first easy chicks.

This is for the girls, whom some guys can bring home to Mom,
But probably won't because it’ll be easier to break off later.
For the girls who have been told repeatedly
That they'll be marriage material someday
And for the girls who have been led on
By the same words, kisses, and touches,
Of which all were hardly true,
Or true for only one day.

This is for the girls who don't want to play mind games,
Who have ever heard,
“You are too 'nice', 'smart' or 'pretty',”
And “You deserve better.”
This is for the same girls,
Who have ever received compliments,
As a convenient means of breaking up,
By the guys who, three days later,
Become their best friends’ new “future ex-boyfriends”

This is for the girls, who have been in the trenches,
Who have watched other girls time and time again,
Fake up, make up, and mess up the guys in their lives

For the girls whom, like the ever-nice nightingale,
Provide a comforting hug and supportive audience
For a story they've probably heard a million times.
This is also for the nights when you comforted him,
And analyzed every single glance, whisper, and touch.
For the nights thinking that maybe if you held him just right,
Or said the right words, or even rubbed his back the right way,
Then perhaps, he'd finally realize that it was you he already had.

This is for the girls who have been satisfied with too little
And who have learned to never expect anything more.
For the girls who didn't know they are beautiful and intelligent,
And just as amazing as anyone could be.

Part 2

This is for the times when you listened intently,
As we question and whine
That girls are only attracted to the jerks,
Who berate, belittle and don't appreciate them
We complain that we never get to meet nice girls,
Who are genuinely interested and compelling,
Who are intelligent and sweet and beautiful
But never realizing you are right here waiting

This is for the times we despair,
Thinking most girls love to keep us hanging in midair.
Yet, when they don't,
Will we treasure them
The same way when they do?

This is for the sometimes,
When we unwittingly pass up on the nice girls
With every step we take.
Sometimes they go undercover or in disguise:
Sometimes there's a girl in that low cut shirt or uber-tight miniskirt
Who might appear to enjoy the attention,
Flirt around us and tell the others,
"Oh, but we are just friends!"
But deep down,
She's probably the girl in that Ms Sunshine tee shirt and shorts
And the same girl we said we've been looking out for

This is for the sometimes when the nice girl gets sick of waiting
For the times she exclaims soundlessly,
"See through the disguise. See me."
Because sometimes we only see the exterior,
We only see the slutty girl who welcomes those advances.

This is for the girls who still believe,
Somehow the stupid boys will grow up one day,
And by tomorrow they'll be okay.
For all the absurd and immature things you tolerate.
You know who you are, and this is for you.

Perhaps the nice guys do finish last,
In the kind of race they don't even know
For whom they are running for.

The nice girls are waiting at the finish line
With water and towels and a congratulatory hug,
Hoping against hope that maybe
We'll come to realize that they're the ones
That we want at the end of that silly race.

So maybe it won't last forever.
Maybe some of the guys in that race will surrender their running shoes
And make their way to the concession stand where you are waiting;
However, until that happens, you still have your girlfriends,
That silly race to watch, and all the chocolate you can eat

The Balance

2008-12-06T01:20:00.005+08:00

I'm tired. And that "why am I the only one who's bothered to make the effort to keep the balance" feelings just can't seem to leave me alone. And what the hell am I thinking?

Defining Extraversion-Introversion

2008-11-17T01:03:00.003+08:00

When extraversion-introversion was described as the degree to which a person is outgoing and interactive with other people during the previous post to introduce the concept in brief, it actually refers to the direction of a person's psychic energy. The introvert's flow is directed inward toward concepts and ideas and the extravert's is directed outward towards people and objects.

Extraverts desire breadth and are action-oriented, while introverts seek depth and are thought-oriented.

An outward flow of this energy suggests that the person is extroverted. Conversely, an inward flow of energy implies a tendency to feel introverted. In other words, extroverts feel an increase of perceived energy when interacting with a large group of people, but a decrease of energy when left alone, while the introvert is the complete opposite.

It has been proposed that the underlying differences in brain physiology may presumably explain behavioural differences between the two groups. While extroverts seek excitement and social activity to heighten their arousal level, introverts tend to do the opposite – to reduce their arousal level by avoiding the same social situations that extroverts seek.

People with a preference for extraversion draw energy from action: they tend to act, then reflect, then act further. If they are inactive, their level of energy and motivation tends to decline. Conversely, those who prefer introversion become less energized as they act: they prefer to reflect, then act, then reflect again. Introverts need time out to reflect in order to rebuild energy.

It is, however, difficult to rationalize mental "energy" in a way that can be scientifically measured and tested. Most modern psychologists consider theories of psychic energy to be obsolete. Nevertheless, the concept is still in popular usage in the general sense of "feeling energized" in particular situations.

Extraversion-introversion is closely linked to the four main human temperaments. Choleric and sanguine temperaments equate to extraversion, while melancholic and phlegmatic temperaments are related to introversion.

(Refer to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Four_Temperaments for more details regarding the 4 temperaments)

小酒窩

2008-11-02T14:24:00.001+08:00

Extraversion-Introversion - An Introduction

2008-10-30T23:25:00.003+08:00

The trait of Extraversion-Introversion is a central dimension of human personality. There are basically three main types of personalities. When we classify a certain personality into any of the 3 groups, it is in other words, determining the source from which this person "gains energy". This source can be broadly categorised to "from within" and "from without".

EXTROVERTS ("from without")

Extraversion is "the act, state, or habit of being predominantly concerned with and obtaining gratification from what is outside the self". Extroverts tend to enjoy human interactions and to be enthusiastic, talkative, assertive, and gregarious (or you call them cluster-f***ers).

They take pleasure in activities that involve large social gatherings, such as parties, community activities, public demonstrations, and business or political groups. They enjoy risk-taking and often show leadership abilities. Acting, teaching, directing, managing, brokering are some of the fields that favour extraversion. An extroverted person is likely to enjoy time spent with people and find less reward in time spent alone.

An extrovert is energized when around other people. Extroverts tend to "fade" when alone and can easily become bored without other people around. Extroverts tend to think as they speak. When given the chance, an extrovert will talk with someone else rather than sit alone and think.

INTROVERTS ("from within")

Introversion is "the state of or tendency toward being wholly or predominantly concerned with and interested in one's own mental life". Introverts tend to be low-key, deliberate, more reserved, less outgoing and relatively less engaged in social situations, but not necessarily anti-social.

Introverts are more concerned with the inner world of the mind. They enjoy thinking, exploring their thoughts and feelings. Which is why they often take pleasure in solitary activities such as reading, writing, drawing, watching movies, and using computers. The archetypal artist, writer, sculptor, composer and inventor are all highly introverted. An introverted person is likely to find less reward in time spent with large groups of people (although they tend to enjoy interactions with close friends). They prefer to concentrate on a single activity at a time and like to observe situations before they participate.

Being introspective, though, does not mean that an introvert never has conversations. However, those conversations are generally about ideas and concepts, not about what they consider the trivial matters of social small talk.

Ambiversion

People do fluctuate in their behaviour regularly and even extreme introverts and extroverts do not always act consistently.

Although many people view being introverted or extroverted as a question with only two possible answers, most contemporary trait theories (e.g. the Big Five) measure levels of extraversion as part of a single, continuous dimension of personality, with some scores near one end, and others near the half-way mark.

Ambiversion is a term used to describe people who fall more or less directly in the middle and exhibit tendencies of both groups. An ambivert is normally comfortable with groups and enjoys social interaction, but also relishes time alone and away from the crowd.

Sometimes

2008-10-26T00:11:00.007+08:00

I don't know how long I've kept away from socialising. Indeed I've been appearing in photos and stuff, but I was merely there to make up the numbers and provide a comforting strength.

Personal problems continue to beset me. I can't concentrate. And when I want to. I'm either falling sick because I'm too busy OR busy because I was sick previously. Shit. I tried very hard to curb the rising emotions. But I can't. I didn't even know when it started to silently creep into my conscious state.

Perhaps it started long ago and it's just that I didn't remember until recently. I've had some difficulty forming long-term memories from short-term memories. They call it anterograde amnesia. Maybe the brain felt that it was too much to bear and simply shut off.

I wished I had done better. Made a difference. For the past three years, I've been relatively happier because I didn't remember. But it seemed like payback time. It was a bad time to remember things I wanted to forget.

I'm trying very hard to help out. But friend, only if you genuinely need assistance. Even if you don't, I'll be a good company. But understand that I've been trying to find time for myself. To rethink certain issues and to fix my snowballing problems at work and study.

Please also understand that so many things are beyond me. I cannot mend a broken family or a broken heart. I cannot change a person's mentality. I cannot even change my own. Sometimes the only thing I can do is to feel tired. Perfectionism is a scary thing. It makes me feel inadequate on many a silent night.

Sometimes, be it the times when I'm doing planning, or homework, or even at play, I am greatly affected by the increasing moodiness in me. Many a time, I wished someone would lend me a shoulder to cry on. But I'm not allowed to cry. Pride has forbidden my wish to be weak and vulnerable.

Sometimes I wished I am more valued. Sometimes I didn't want to think opinions matter, they may judge for all they want. Sometimes I wish life can be simpler. But it wasn't going to be so.

Do I love myself or love you more? Up till today, I still can't answer the question. I wished I could confidently say it's the latter. But it makes no difference anymore

沿海公路的出口MV

2008-10-19T22:27:00.004+08:00

作詞黃建洲曲鄭楠
演唱： S.H.E.

用一根火柴燒一場蜃樓
借這場大雨讓自己逃走
荒茫公路無人的漂泊
寂寞海嘯把我捲走

用一段感情換一個朋友
每一句再見割一道傷口
躲在萬劫不復的街頭
微笑參透覆水難收

倘若說放一次手
就像咳一個嗽
我又何苦在乎得不到的溫柔

我坐在公路的出口
等待天黑以後無邊的寂寞
連想你都是種殘酷切磋
我目送沿海的日落
緊抱一個醉生夢死的枕頭
留不住回憶卻學不會放手怎麼走

倘若說放一次手
就像咳一個嗽
我又何苦在乎得不到的溫柔

我坐在公路的出口
等待天黑以後無邊的寂寞
連想你都是種殘酷切磋
我目送沿海的日落
緊抱一個醉生夢死的枕頭
留不住回憶卻學不會放手怎麼走

我坐在公路的出口
等待天黑以後無邊的寂寞
連想你都是種殘酷切磋
我目送沿海的日落
緊抱一個醉生夢死的枕頭
留不住回憶卻學不會放手怎麼走

说好的幸福呢 (完整版）

2008-10-17T06:27:00.000+08:00

from the album, 魔杰座 (Capricorn)

Fundamental Concepts Of Marketing

2008-10-05T09:10:00.006+08:00

by an anonymous professor

1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say:
"I am very rich. Marry me!" - That's Direct Marketing

2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.
One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says:
"He's very rich. Marry him." - That's Advertising

3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day, you call and say:
"Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me." - That's Telemarketing

4. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink, you open the door (of the car)for her,pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her ride and then say:
"By the way, I'm rich. Will you marry me?" - That's Public Relations

5. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says:
"You are very rich! Can you marry me?" - That's Brand Recognition

6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say:
"I am very rich. Marry me!" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.
- That's Customer Feedback

7. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say:
"I am very rich. Marry me!" And she introduces you to her husband.
- That's demand and supply gap

8. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say anything, another person come and tell her: "I'm rich. Will you marry me?" and she goes with him - That's competition eating into your market share

9. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say:
"I'm rich, Marry me!" your wife arrives. - That's restriction for entering new markets

My Immortal

2008-10-03T11:53:00.002+08:00

原谅我

2008-09-30T23:41:00.001+08:00

Paradox Of Life

2008-09-22T19:52:00.002+08:00

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways , but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little and watch TV too much.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...

Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, 'I love you' to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

- George Carlin

?!?!?!

2008-09-20T01:10:00.001+08:00

This could potentially be the worst academic year ever.

Toll-free

2008-09-14T10:02:00.003+08:00

I wished personal emotions would not take a toll on the other aspects of my life. But apparently it did. I couldn't concentrate. Couldn't focus. Even my smiles looked fake. Played extremely badly on Saturday. I'm not good enough like before. Fitness, technique and vision just weren't there. I'll be fine soon enough though.